


Impenetrable Heart | Oneshot Collection

by Salina



Series: Impenetrable Heart AU [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alex's Intuition, Alex's past, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Meetings, Fluff, Gen, Homophobic Henry Laurens, Hospitalization, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, I promise not all of these will be sad, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, John's past, M/M, Meeting John's Siblings, Modern Congratulations, Overdosing, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Addiction, Play Fighting, Play Wrestling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relapsing, Scars, Shenanigans, Sickfic, Typical College things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:27:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23454016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salina/pseuds/Salina
Summary: The second installment to Impenetrable Heart | Lams College AU! This contains various Oneshots of different kinds, fluff, angst, sickfics, it has it all. Requests are open! Feel free to comment what you'd like to see. As this is a second installment, those of you who are new will be lost without some prior knowledge. I highly suggest you read the other first, as I cannot fill you in here without spoiling it. This is based around established Lams and Mullete as well!
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan
Series: Impenetrable Heart AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687258
Comments: 111
Kudos: 107





	1. Not Saints, Nor Sinners

**Author's Note:**

> So, again, chances are if you’re here, you’re from the first story. If so, hello! Glad we meet again! If not, I would highly suggest you read it, as a lot of details may not make sense to you in these stories. I know I had said I would make the sequel a stand-alone two-shot, but this is short enough I can fit into one, so I’m going to just add it to all the others! So this is where you will find all of the AU Oneshots. I do hope you enjoy it, let’s start with some angst, shall we? 

His pulse beat fast, relentless, like a message to him that he should stop now; turn around and go right back home because he just  _ knew  _ what he was doing was wrong. Despite this, he marched forward, wiping the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Well, Alex’s, but that didn’t quite matter. John’s mind turned back to static as he listened to the humming of the river below, beating against the underside of the bridge, carelessly. 

_ Careless.  _

Was he careless? Was this careless? His thoughts made barely any sense, even to him as he pulled the blunt back to his lips. He could feel his mind screaming protests, so loud he could almost hear it, but not loud enough. His chest still heaved from the running, barely giving him the air the breathe. 

_ Stop! What are you doing? STOP! _

Another hit. 

_ This is wrong, this is wrong… you were doing so well! _

Longer this time, what’s the harm?

_ Think of them! _

Think of who?

A familiar sensation prodded at the tips of his fingers, a mild burning. He paused, slowly looking down as the pain brought him back to his senses. In a fit of shock, he dropped the blunt, watching as it dropped onto the wooden surface of the bridge. He blinked again.

“I didn’t, no, I couldn’t have…” he whispered to himself, horrified. 

He nudged it off the edge, not caring as it fell. He stumbled backward, hardly able to gain his footing underneath him as he took off the bridge. 

* * *

Alex tapped his pencil mindlessly on the kitchen countertop, trying to summon some sort of words to manifest on his unfinished paper. College sucked, sometimes. He sighed, setting it down. 

“Can you guys please turn that down, I can’t even hear myself think,” said to Herc and Laf, who were watching a rather loud WWE match. 

“No way, we can’t miss this,” Herc called back, not moving his eyes from the screen. 

Alex groaned. 

“I said turn it down not off!”

“No, Laf hasn’t nodded off!”

Alex puffed his cheeks as he sighed, fighting the instinct to hit his head as hard as he could on the table. He wondered where John was, he had gone to his father’s house to pick up some of his belongings that were shipped from South Carolina, much needed considering how many clothes he'd lost in the fire all that time ago. He had said about an hour prior he wouldn’t be long. He trusted him, of course, but he did  _ not  _ trust his father in the slightest. He glanced at the clock, ten p.m. wasn’t too late to make coffee, right? 

He started the coffee makes, waiting patiently by it as it warmed up to brew when he heard the front door open. At first, he thought nothing of it, just John getting home. These thoughts were soon debunked, however, when he heard Laf’s voice, raised. 

“John, where have you been?”

Alex frowned. Laf and Herc both knew where John had gone, why would they be asking him?  _ Maybe they just forgot, _ he shrugged. 

“John,  _ answer me right now _ , where have you been?” 

Laf’s voice grew louder now, still no response from John. He sounded… scared? He heard John’s response, quiet, void of any emotion. 

“At my dad’s, I already told you.”

“No, you were somewhere else,” Laf growled. “Your eyes are red, and I know you haven’t been crying!”

_ What? _

Alex stumbled out into the kitchen now, holding his breath. John was leaned against the doorway, his jaw stuck out, a common sign he was angry. Laf stood in front of him, turned away from Alex, but he could only imagine the look of anger on his face. Laf was a patient man, but if you rubbed him the wrong way, it was hell to pay. He caught John’s eye, who quickly cast his gaze to the floor. 

“Answer me!”

“Just leave me alone,” John growled. 

There was a moment of silence in the room, everyone awestruck, John hadn't acted in such a way in months. He hadn't snuck out, drank excessively, or did any drugs. Well, to their knowledge. Laf stared hard at John for a moment, then said, 

“Herc, hold him.”

Herc moved quickly, quickly enough John couldn’t react before he wrapped his arms under John’s, pinning him in place, completely immobile. That’s when John started to freak out. Alex had never seen him in such a way, he thrashed wildly against Herc’s restraint, kicking his legs and yelling. 

“I didn’t do anything! Don’t touch me!” He screamed, throwing his body weight around. Herc, however, didn’t budge. 

Alex saw it now as John’s eyes flew wide open. The whites of his eyes were stained a hazy red, not the kind one gets from crying. Alex’s mouth fell open. _ No way,  _ he thought. There’s  _ no possible way… _

Laf took a step toward John, who became even more unstable. 

“Get away from me!” He spat. 

Suddenly, the room changed, John, just as quickly as he went off the hinges, stumbled forward, his head hanging low to the ground as he went limp. Herc stumbled, managing to catch him so he wouldn’t fall. 

“Get him to the couch,” Laf said quickly, helping Herc drag a half-awake and groaning John to the sofa. 

Alex, knocked from his trance, stumbled toward the door and mumbled, 

“I’m… I need to go outside.”

He stepped outside, gripping the railing for support as his body swayed.  _ Why? What could possibly have possessed John to do something like that? Was he sneaking out again? How long?  _ The thoughts churned feverishly through his mind for god knows how long, only laid to rest as Herc placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey,” he said, leaning next to him on the railing. Alex sighed shakily. 

“I can’t believe it, I don’t want to,” he said, biting back tears. 

“We don’t either,” he said quietly. “Laf is talking to him right now.”

Alex listened and could hear Laf’s voice from inside the house, screaming. He laughed humorlessly. 

“Listen, man, don’t blame yourself for this,” Herc said. “It was bound to happen, everyone relapses at some point.”

“Yeah but… I hoped…”

“He would be different?”

Alex shrugged. 

“I just want to know why…”

Herc nodded. 

“We all do. I think for now we just make sure he’s alright.”

“What do you mean?”

“He isn’t looking too good,” Herc frowned. “I would assume getting back on something after not being on it for so long would make anyone sick.”

Herc stayed outside with Alex, calming him down. After he got something of a grip on himself, the two walked back inside to see Laf sitting on the edge of the couch, staring blankly at the T.V. 

“Laf, where’s John?” Alex asked. Laf gestured to the room.

“Went to lay down, isn’t feeling well,” he said despondently. 

“I need to talk to him,” Alex said, making his way toward the room. Laf spoke again. 

“Be careful with him,  _ mon ami,  _ he is… erm, quite upset,” he chuckled sadly. “Let’s just say I did not hold anything back.”

Alex nodded his head understandingly, then made his way to the room where he found the door to be closed. Unsurprised, he knocked. 

“John? Listen, it’s Alex, can you let me in?”

“Go away.”

“John, please-”

“I said  _ go away. _ ”

Alex sighed. 

“I’m not angry, I just want to talk.”

There was a moment of silence before Alex heard a clicking noise.  _ Had he locked the door?  _ He wondered. The door opened a crack, just enough for Alex to get in. He walked into the darkened room, gently closing the door behind him. John was seated on the floor next to the bed, staring blankly at the wall in front of him. Alex quietly situated himself next to him. 

“How are you feeling?” 

John shrugged wordlessly. 

“John, I just need to know,” he began. “You aren’t into all that junk again, are you?”

“No, I’m not,” John said. 

“No gangs? No drug deals?”

“God- no. I smoked, that’s it.”

“With what? Where did you find it?”

“I had a stash- are you just in here to interrogate me, because if you are you can just leave,” John snapped. 

“John,” Alex said quietly, trying his best not to further anger him. “What stash?”

John sighed, slumping his shoulders. 

“Hidden somewhere out of town, I never got into it until now.”

Alex nodded his head, still a million questions sifting through his mind. He knew John wasn’t completely out of it, as his answers still made sense. His eyes were nearly completely cleared up too, which meant he hadn’t smoked a lot. But he also looked sickly, more than he had in months, pale and swaying ever so slightly as if he was about to topple over sitting down.

“Then just… why? Why would you do that, John?”

“If I tell you why, please, will you leave me alone for a while?”

_ Ouch. _

“Of course,” Alex said. 

John inhaled shakily, a look of pain spreading across his face. He was quiet for a moment as if building up the strength to say what he needed to say. 

“I came out to my dad.”

Alex sat in shock for a moment, then wordlessly scrambled to his feet. John, who looked on the verge of tears, wrung his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose from what Alex assumed was a headache.

“I’ll… I’ll let you sleep now,” Alex said, then quickly filed out of the room. 

When he got out to the living room, Laf and Herc both waited anxiously for what he had to say.

“Well? Anything?” Laf asked, sitting up and crossing his legs. 

When Alex told them what John had said about coming out, they sat in petrified silence. Alex continued with,

“He wouldn’t tell me everything, but he looks like a mess.”

“Did you check him?” Laf asked suddenly. Alex furrowed his brows. 

“For what?”

Laf opened and closed his fist once, which Alex realized immediately. He groaned, putting his head in his hands. 

“Fuck- no, I didn’t even think about it…”

“Why would he have done that?” Herc asked. “His father, of all people!”

Herc and Laf both discussed it, while Alex sat on the couch in a fit of shock. Why didn’t he come to him? He knew he could trust Alex, why turn to his bad habits instead? Did he not trust him anymore? He had been doing so well those past few months. Of course, he got down sometimes, he wasn’t cured, but whenever he was, he let Alex know and they worked it out together. He never mentioned wanting to tell his father, especially knowing his abusive behavior and (presumably) homophobic tendencies. There were so many questions left unanswered, for the rest of the night it gnawed at Alex relentlessly. So much, that by the time morning came, he realized he hadn’t gotten a minute of sleep.

* * *

Words couldn’t express the levels of self-hatred John felt that night. It was paralyzing. Between the pounding of his head, nausea, and the crying he couldn’t even imagine himself going to bed that night. 

Quite frankly, he didn’t want to. Because he knew his dreams would serve to be far worse. 

It seemed like John had only glanced out the window minutes before pitch-black darkness before the orange sunrise filtered in. He didn't know why he did it. Why he had done any of it. All he planned for was to pick up some clothing and be on his way, but things fell out of hand. His father had been watching a news broadcast of a hate crime committed on a nearby pride march, and he sat and  _ laughed. _

_ Laughed as people lost their lives.  _

The rage he felt was inexplicable. And the truth slipped after his father asked why he felt the need to defend people like them. John sighed, throwing his head back into his hands. The memory was still painful. Before his mind could slip back into darkness, there was a light knocking at the door. He held his breath, then said, 

“Come in.”

Alexander stepped in carefully, closing the door gently behind him. He must’ve noticed John hadn’t moved from his spot last night, as his face fell.

“Did you get any sleep last night?” He asked. 

“Probably as much as you did,” John replied coolly. Alex set his lips in a hard line, which meant he didn’t sleep last night either. 

“Do you need anything? Water? Painkillers?” He asked, changing the subject. John shook his head. 

“John, I really don’t know how to help you right now if you just tell me what’s wrong maybe I-”

“I’m fine!”

The explosive words left John’s lips before he could stop himself, leaving him to only stare in horror at what had just happened. 

He hadn’t yelled at Alex in such a long time.

Alex’s shoulders fell dismissively to his sides, a look of pained sadness on his face. 

“I’ll just- I’ll see myself out-”

John sprung up, falling onto his knees as he desperately grabbed the hem of Alex’s shirt. 

“No-! No, please, I’m sorry, I’m sorry- I’m so sorry,” the words tumbled out loosely. 

“John, I-”

John retracted back to his spot, covering his face with his hands to hide from the tears that now flowed relentlessly down his face.  _ Idiot, how could anyone love such a mess? The sneering voice told him.  _

“I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it,” he sobbed, the only words he could manage were those four words, over and over like some sort of chant. 

He felt Alex’s hand on his back, rubbing almost hesitantly. 

_ Look, he’s afraid of you. _

“Shhhh,” Alex said softly. “You’re alright, you don’t need to apologize,”

“I do,” he croaked, barely holding himself together. “I hurt you, I hurt Laf and Herc and I-I”

He broke down sobbing again, not able to contain the overwhelming amount of emotions. Alex wrapped his arms around John, sitting in front of him. John hadn’t broken down in so long, he couldn’t even remember the last time he cried. He’d been doing so well these past few months, he’d been so happy it felt like he could never be sad again. He leaned forward into Alex, wishing he could just disappear into him. He spent a while sobbing and gasping apologies that probably didn’t make any sense, then another good portion of time just clinging onto Alex, telling him how much he loved him.

Just so he knew. 

Eventually, the breakdown took its toll on him, and he slumped into Alex’s arms, exhausted. The air felt cold on his wet face, while Alex’s warmth felt like a welcoming gesture to fall asleep right then and there. Alex hummed quietly, rubbing circles on his back when John finally broke the heavy silence. 

“Lex?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m, uh,” he paused. “I’m ready to say what happened if you want me to.”

Alex pulled away from him and nodded. 

“As long as you feel you’re ready, then I’m all ears.” 

John took a deep breath and started from the beginning. He told Alex about what happened with his father, to which Alex stayed silent, nodding his head along sadly. Just as he was about to move on from the topic, he asked, almost fearfully,

“He didn’t hit you, did he?” 

John shook his head. For once, his father was so unbelievably angry and disgusted that he didn’t dare touch him. 

“Wouldn’t matter now, it isn’t like I’m his son anymore,” John shrugged. Alex’s mouth dropped. 

“You mean-?”

“I’m disowned. I saw it coming for years, but I didn’t think he’d have the guts to actually do it.” He chuckled humorlessly. “The man is so obsessed with his image.”

Alex blinked, at seeming loss for words, so John continued before he broke back down into tears. 

“I didn’t know what else to do, Lex, I wasn’t thinking at all,” he said. “It just brought back so many memories, so many of those horrid things I tried shoving away for all those years it’s like I went on autopilot.”

“So you did what you knew,” Alex finished slowly, looking up. John nodded. 

“It is how I always coped back then, I didn’t even stop to realize until it was too late…” John said, staring at the floor in front of him. “It’s like I wasn’t even there.”

“Dissociation,” Alex said. “A disconnect from your body or surroundings.”

John frowned. 

“It’s happened before, I don’t know if it’s really-”

“Before?” Alex’s head shot up. “When?”

“Remember that time you found me at the bridge? After our argument?”

Alex pressed his lips together in thought, obviously remembering the night well. 

“You did say you were out of it” he admitted. 

“And the other time, it was the same thing. I thought I was clear-headed, but maybe I was just… gone,” John said. He shuddered, he hated remembering that night.

Alex opened his mouth as if he were about to say something, but closed it again, looking conflicted. He seemed to drop whatever was on his mind and instead said,

“What did you do after?” He asked. 

“Dropped the thing and came home.”

“So wait,” Alex said. “You said you had a stash?”

“From a long time ago,” John reassured him. “I used to keep one outside of the house because anytime Laf or Herc found it, they’d throw it out. And I got sick of dumpster weed.”

Alex laughed a bit, which made John ease up slightly. 

“Alex, I swear on my life I won’t do it again,” he said seriously. “I hope you know that.”

Alex nodded. “I believe you.”

“You do?”

Alex laughed, wrapping John into a tight embrace. 

“Jackie, when have I ever doubted you?” He paused. “Don’t answer that.”

John laughed now, which felt like a relief compared to the hours of agony he suffered through. He pulled back, then frowned in thought. 

“Something on your mind?” Alex asked, cocking an eyebrow. 

“I think,” John said. “We have some unfinished business to take care of.”

  
  


* * *

“Bon voyage!” Alex called from the bridge, waving a washcloth meant to be a handkerchief. 

John laughed beside him, Herc and Laf joining in as they watched the tiny plastic boat sail away on the river, carrying a small baggie. 

“I bet you some crackhead homeless guy is going to find it,” John laughed, waving at it. 

“Or an elderly lady who’s going to mistake it for dried Oregano,” Herc added, cackling. Laf gasped. 

“Herc! That’s awful!”

“Oh come on, a high old lady? That’d be hilarious!”

John snorted, shaking his head. The breeze felt cool on his face as they watched the rest of the boat's maiden voyage, he and Alex’s fingers intertwined as they stood next to each other. The bridge had seen some of John’s worst moments, by far, and being back in broad daylight felt like it was somewhere completely different. Both he and Laf objected to going there at first, but after some much-needed pressure from Alex, they obliged. 

“Well, how do you feel?” Laf asked, nudging him with his elbow. 

“Kinda cold,” John laughed. “But good. Really good.”

“Good,” he smiled. 

The four stood on the bridge, all off in their own different worlds. For once on that bridge, however, John was right there in the moment, right beside the people who mattered the most. Something he wouldn’t trade for the world.

  
  
  
  



	2. Burning Intuition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Request by Archive's @FunnyFox204! It was a pleasure to write, and very well thought out. I hadn't realized until now that this topic wasn't touched upon much in the story, so it was fun to add onto it! 
> 
> ...
> 
> A chapter in which John is still recovering in the hospital from the fire and discussion ensues about the events surrounding it, and Alex's life-saving intuition.

“Are we still at the hospital?” 

“Yes, John, we are still at the hospital.”

Alex sighed tiredly, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Every half hour or so John would fade in and out of consciousness, asking the same question time and time again. Though it was funny at first, it became less so around the sixth time. He leaned back in his chair, watching as Laf and Herc did a puzzle on an open stand next to them. They were keeping John overnight to finish testing on things like his lungs and whatnot, along with pumping him with more medicine than seemed legal. John sighed quietly, though it sounded more like a whine given the state of his throat and lungs.

He frowned at John, who was laying on his back with the sheets pulled up to his chest, his head lolled over facing away from the three. It felt wrong seeing him connected to IV’s and monitors like he was, and any time he wasn’t actively awake, it made Alex's chest tie itself in knots. He was terrible at handling other people being sick, considering how a simple illness left his mother. He shook the thoughts off his mind and turned his attention back to the other two's puzzle, which now was taking the form of a horse. 

“Nah, man, there’s no way all the pieces are here,” Herc grumbled, lightly tossing a piece. 

“You won’t know unless you actually help, mon ami.”

“None of the pieces fit though!”

Alex chuckled but was cut off by more light groaning from John’s bed. He frowned, watching John screw his eyes shut with a huff. 

“Can you guys maybe not yell?” He murmured. “My head…”

Laf and Herc both frowned, looking increasingly guilty. 

“Sorry, John.”

“S’alright,” He said, beginning to sit up. Alex subconsciously stood up, just so John didn’t accidentally pull out his IV or anything else. 

Again.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, sinking back down into the chair.

“Shitty,” he replied with a weak smile, opening his eyes. “But I’m kickin’.”

John had been continuously plagued by coughing fits for the past few nights, which sounded painful to even listen to. He could go on for times as long as a half-hour before they finally calmed down, and even then may not be able to catch his breath for another half hour after that. The three had grown somewhat accustomed to it- if you didn’t put into account the time John coughed up blood- which in that case they _absolutely_ panicked. The doctor assured them that was a symptom of the smoke inhalation, but they were shaken nonetheless. 

They all spoke for a while until Alex noticed John’s voice becoming hoarse, talking less and less. Eventually, they switched on the tv to give John's throat a break. Laf was flipping through the channels mindlessly when they settled on the news channel. At first, Alex thought nothing of it, until he realized something he had completely forgotten about up until that point. 

“Up next, how one man heroically alerted firefighters of an unknown victim in a fire, coming up after the break-”

_ Fuck. _

He saw Herc glance at him with wide eyes, while Laf and John looked completely lost. Herc had been the only one aware of what happened before they pulled John out, and even then he didn’t know the full extent of the story. Herc and Laf had been talking with EMT’s across the yard when the local news channel pulled up. They were covering the fire and politely asked Alex if he had wanted to do a quick interview which may or may not make it into the story. Tired and headache-ridden, he agreed, thinking nothing of it. Up until that moment, he hadn’t thought about it again.

The story came back on after a handful of commercials, flashing video of Laf and John’s house up in flames. He glanced over at John, who averted his eyes from the direct line of the television.  _ Still fresh,  _ he noted, seeing John’s pained expression. It was hard, even for him to watch, but he didn’t dare move his eyes from the screen. 

“Witnesses reported flames in the late afternoon hours. Firefighters, who had already secured one victim, were battling flames for upwards of two hours, unaware that a second person was inside the home.”

John and Laf both frowned in confusion. 

“Efforts had almost been suspended when a college student, good friends with the victims, quickly notified personnel of the second student.”

Alex cringed internally as the screen shifted from the fire to a waist-up shot of him. He blinked for a moment, hardly recognizing himself with his red eyes and dirty clothes (likely from the firemen holding him back). He watched himself in dread as he spoke, not even remembering what he told them.

“I had an off feeling that entire day, I couldn’t explain it, but it was like I just knew something was going to go wrong." TV him explained. "I don’t know how we managed to get there in time, but I’m glad we did, or else it might’ve been an entirely different story.”

“What?” John whispered. 

_ John didn’t know, _ he realized.  _ We didn’t tell him. _

“The first victim has made a full recovery, while the second is in stable condition,” the anchor concluded before they switched stories. 

The room fell into silence as Laf and John processed what they just heard. Herc broke this silence quickly, however, as he said

“I didn’t know they interviewed you.”

“I forgot,” Alex shrugged. “Slipped my mind.”

“So,” John began. “They… didn’t know I was in there?”

Alex shook his head. “Nobody did, except Laf- and he wasn’t really going to tell them.”

Laf chuckled a bit. 

“They forgot to mention the part where you freaked out,” Herc added, then looked back at John. “It took like three people to hold him back from running into the house himself to get you out.”

Alex sunk in his chair, feeling his face heat up. John furrowed his brows.

“You were going to come in after me?” He asked incredulously. 

Alex frowned in thought. Was he? The whole ordeal was sort of a blur, he had panicked so much that he acted irrationally. Though, he could imagine even if he hadn’t panicked he would’ve done the same thing again. 

“I mean, I guess,” he chuckled. “They certainly weren’t going to.”

“How did they not know he was in there?” Laf asked. “Someone should’ve known.”

“I was in my room,” John said. “If they had gone in, chances are they didn’t check in the basement the first time."

"So wait,”

He looked at Alex suddenly.

“You said you had a feeling something was going to go wrong, how did you-?”

“I don’t know,” Alex laughed. “Truly, I have no idea how.”

“He had been acting off that entire day,” Herc noted, crossing his arms. “I thought he wanted to visit because you hadn’t been at school, he was persistent though. Can’t lie, I was worried for the dude. Ran head-on into like three doors that morning.”

“That wasn’t all of it,” Alex nodded, electing to ignore the last comment. “It’s like something told me I needed to go there.”

“Like intuition?” Laf asked. 

“Or maybe the voices in his head,” Herc chuckled. Alex sighed. 

“I don’t know what it was, alright? It was just… something,” he said, growing frustrated with his own lack of understanding. 

It killed him and continued to kill him not knowing what it was, and not being able to explain it made him even more upset. Possibly the main factor in what happened next.

“Maybe it was God himself,” Herc said, now laughing. Laf frowned, glancing between Alex and him.

“Hercules-”

Herc continued laughing, not able to stop himself. Alex jutted out his jaw, standing up. 

“I’m going to get a drink,” he said, beginning to walk away.

“Wait, hey!” Herc called out in between laughs. “We’re just messing with you!”

“Whatever,” Alex mumbled, closing the curtain behind him. 

He left the room and walked out into the hall, not even bothering to get anything. Instead, he sat down in a waiting area, just down the hallway. He wasn’t made at Herc, per se, but at the fact:  _ he didn’t know how it happened.  _

And if there’s one thing he hated, it was not knowing things.

He bounced his leg mindlessly thinking when Laf sat down next to him with a deep sigh. He kept his eyes on the ground, wringing his hands together.

“I’m sorry about him,” he said. “He has a hard time knowing when to not joke sometimes.”

“I’m not mad at him,” Alex said, leaning back into the couch. It was stiff and plasticky, typical hospital furniture. 

“I just… don’t know,” he sighed. “And I hate it.”

“I understand,” Laf nodded. “Even so, though, we have a lot we do know.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Like John is safe, nothing is life-threatening,” he said slowly. “And he definitely credits you for that.”

Alex looked up, surprised. 

“Me? I hardly did anything though.”

“You did a lot, mon ami. Had you not acted, who knows what would’ve happened to him. I overheard the firefighters speaking,” he said, suddenly lowering his voice. “The fire was so close to reaching him. He was minutes away from not making it.”

Alex’s breath caught in his throat. John was that close? He closed his eyes, shaking his head. 

“I.. I had no idea,” he whispered. 

“I know, I didn’t want to tell you, but…” Laf frowned. “All that matters now is that he’s alive and well, so let’s just focus on that, yes?”

Alex stood up and nodded his head in agreement. No matter how much his own thoughts may plague him, John was alive, and at that moment, that’s all that mattered. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! So I thought this would be a good time to clarify a couple of things I just realized:
> 
> Most of these stories will be considered 'canon', in terms of how they fit in with the story but aren't actively a part of the storyline. Almost like an alternate universe, to an alternate universe. (This AU is so big I actually have to consider what is canon or not omg). So for instance, the first story takes place after the main book ends, and is considered canon but is not a part of the main storyline because it is not a part of the actual book. While this chapter is touching upon an event that already happened, and introduced some points that the story did not cover (like the intuition thing). So while these all take place in the same universe, they don't directly affect the story. It's kind of like Cursed Child to the Harry Potter series, it's canon, but you don't have to recognize it as actually a part of the story (unless you want to). If there is a story that may not be considered canon, I will put that in the notes. 
> 
> I just sat here for a good ten minutes trying to remember the other thing I was going to say. Then I remembered, started typing, and FORGOT AGAIN! Thankfully! I remembered once more and wrote it down. SO-
> 
> I have a lot of ideas for oneshots, and a fair amount of requests already. So, just to keep things even, I'm going to do a request every other story. So the story after this will be one of my own, then after that another request so on so forth. So if you don't see yours right away, fear not! It's coming, just a bit later. :) Keep the requests coming though! I will do my best to get to them all. (which considering how quickly I'm spitting these out, might not be a problem).


	3. Off My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **TW TW TW!**
> 
> This chapter includes an accidental overdose, and some details of needles, in case you're sensitive to that I would recommend skipping over for the sake of yourself <3\. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess I’m a filthy liar, I’m doing a request again! I really loved this request idea, and since I’m feeling inspired by it I decided to do it now. So if you don’t see your request right away, don’t fret, I tend to do them as inspiration comes. If I come up with a good idea regarding it, chances are I’ll do it quickly before I forget it. 
> 
> Request was by Archive's @DaneyGibson. Thank you so much, and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Also! There's a song that really encapsulates this (I thought). It's called Fear of the Water by SYML. Look up the lyrics if you need to, it's a lot. Lines like:
> 
> If this was meant for me, why does it hurt so much?  
> And if you're not made for me, why did we fall in love?  
> A knock at my door  
> I thought I was alone  
> Unaware of what I thought I needed  
> I drop like a stone
> 
> and
> 
> So hold my body  
> Yeah, hold my breath  
> See your face when I black out  
> I'm never coming back
> 
> It relates a lot in my opinion, but that might just be me! Lol

John froze in place, feeling his heart jump out of his chest. 

_ Of course, Alex is here, _ he thought, panicked. And o _ f course, Laf would be the one to invite him! _

Both Laf and Alex turned from their places on the couch, while John held his breath, trying to hide whatever feelings were bubbling up from his chest. 

“Oh, hey Alex,” he said, trying to seem nonchalant. Thankfully Alex didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary.

“Hi,” he waved. 

“I don’t, mon ami, why?” Laf asked. 

John had come out to the living area to see if Laf had any extra Tylenol, as his head was threatening to pound out of his skill. He frowned. 

“Uh, just saw we were out, s’all,” he said, then quickly retreated downstairs. 

He didn’t leave room for any more conversation as he turned the last corner at the bottom of the stairway, his breath still stuck helplessly in his throat. Why was he acting like this? He sees Alex- then makes a total fool of himself. 

Guess that’s what he gets for having feelings. in the first place. 

He sat down on his bed with a deep sigh, trying to calm himself down. His hands were beginning to tremble slightly. He brought them together, exhaling shakily, knowing very well there was only one thing on his mind that  _ wasn’t  _ Alexander. The same thing that was always on his mind.

“Not with him here,” he tried reasoning with himself. “If he finds out…”

He stood up again and began pacing nervously. He hardly got like this, and if he did he never let it last long. Years and years of burying your emotions, you begin to lose the ability to control them in a normal manner, and that’s exactly what was happening to John. 

He was losing control. 

Call him a freak, some sort of maniac, but it was something that kept him grounded, knowing that he could wrangle in his emotions whenever he felt like it and disconnect from everything was like a twisted comfort of his.  _ And this was one of those moments.  _ He paced the room a few more times before finally giving in. He got on his hands and knees and pulled out a small bright blue bag from under his bed, but stopped for a moment to look at it. He hadn't dared to use it in so long out of fear Laf or Herc would find out, was he going to chance it now? He frowned and pulled it the rest of the way out, throwing it over his shoulder. 

He carefully made his way back upstairs, there was no lock on his bedroom door anymore, so he’d have to make do with the bathroom. He slinked through the hallway and into the open bathroom, carefully closing the door behind him. After double, then triple checking the lock, he shakily opened the bag.  _ Here’s to nothing, _ he thought bitterly, holding the pointed end up to the light.

* * *

It wasn’t working,  _ why wasn’t it working? _

John fought back tears as he slid the needle back into his arm. He had already shot up way more than he should’ve, but it still wasn’t enough. He usually knew when to stop, when to know that enough was enough, but he was still  _ feeling things,  _ and he just wanted them to go away. He had given up doing anything gingerly, blood already ran down his arm from a mixture of lack of concentration and his shaking hands. He pressed his mouth firmly shut, trying not to breathe louder than he already was. 

  
“Come on, come on,” he whispered, injecting whatever he had left. 

His body was begging him to stop, but his mind called for him to push the limit. Push the boundaries, _ a little more, just a little more- what’s the harm?  _ He slammed the needle back on the counter in anger. 

“Fuck it,” he whispered, standing. 

His legs buckled slightly, sending him hurtling toward the counter, John barely managing to catch himself on the rim of the sink. He paused, holding his breath to make sure nobody had heard him. Amid the silence, he felt his heartbeat. Slow, pathetic. 

Slow? No, no this heartbeat wasn’t  _ this  _ slow. 

His eyes widened. He looked up frantically into the mirror, a gasp escaping him. His eyes looked off, and there was an eerie blue tint spreading across his lips. His legs buckled more now, leaving him barely clinging onto the tabletop as his chest began to heave. He couldn’t breathe, he  _ needed _ to breathe. He gripped the sink and slowly stood himself up, his mind becoming frantic. His heart nearly stopped when he heard a light knocking on the door. 

“John? Yo, you good?” Herc’s voice came through. 

Why was Herc here? 

“You’ve been in there a long time,” Laf spoke now. “Is everything alright?”

How long had it been? He stared at the floor, trying to control his breathing enough to respond, but it felt like someone was sitting on his chest. White spotted across his vision now as he began to sway. He knew what was happening. He’d seen it a million times, but never thought it could happen to him. He was careful, he had always been careful, right?

“John?” 

The voices were getting farther away, so muffled John could barely tell what was happening. He felt cool air rush across his face, then finally felt himself slip into nothingness. 

* * *

When Alex heard the crash, he knew something was horribly wrong. He stood up, rushing over to the door of the bathroom where Laf and Herc were. Laf had a hand over his mouth, covering his sobs as Herc threw himself against the door. Paralyzed, he watched the scene play out until he heard a deafening crack of the door splitting. Herc stumbled out of the way, leaving Alex just enough room to slip in. What he saw sent him to his knees. 

“John!”

John was lying on his stomach amidst an array of shampoo bottles and other items once perched on the shelf, now scattered chaotically across the room. He desperately crawled over to where John was laying, feeling a sob escape him.

“No, no!” 

Laf knelt next to him, turning him onto his back. When they got him over, Alex felt his heart stop. His lips were blue. Immediately, his mind switched to the fact he was already dead, but after seeing his labored breathing, that notion was quickly debunked. That, however, didn’t ease his mind whatsoever when Herc pulled something off the counter. 

“Laf... look,” he croaked, holding a needle gingerly between his fingers. 

“Oh god-  _ merde _ ” Laf gasped. “John, what did you do?”

Alex saw John’s eyelids flutter at the mention of his name. 

“John? John, hey wake up!” He said, lightly shaking him.

All at once, John’s eyes flew open, and a mix of a gurgling and scream escaped his throat, nearly sending Alex toppling over. 

“He can’t breathe!” Laf said suddenly, which knocked the two out of their trances, and his own. “Get him on his side, Herc call 911-”

“But-”

“Now!” Laf screamed, sending poor Herc scuttling out of the room. 

The two turned their attention back to John, who was trembling in a cold sweat on the floor, gasps escaping his mouth in weak bursts. At first, he was shaking so violently both Alex and Laf were afraid he was convulsing. He was pale, paler than Alex could ever imagine someone could get. He noticed how much more prominent his freckles were against his porcelain skin. He looked like if you handled him too roughly he might shatter in your hands. 

“Come on, stay with us,” Alex whispered, running a hand over his clammy forehead. 

He kept his hand on John’s wrist throughout the time, making sure he still had a heartbeat. It was weak, so weak half the time it felt like it might not even be there. He could see scarring from the needles, and even dried blood which had run down and off the underside of his arm. He tried his best not to stare. 

When the EMT’s arrived, John had gone unconscious again, his breathing slowing down to a terrifyingly slow pace. The other three stumbled out of the way as they administered Narcan, which was in a way an antidote to an overdose as Laf explained. When they put the spray into his nose, John went stiff, arching his back as a panicked scream tore from his chest. At first, Alex was terrified something had gone wrong, but soon enough John settled back down to where he was laying, now breathing heavily. A good sign. 

The rest of the time was a blur. Alex fell into the worst panic attack of his life, so bad that another EMT had to stay with him to calm him down. After that, he was barely there. He had watched helplessly as they carried John out on the stretcher.

_ This is a dream, this isn’t real,  _ he thought, dazed.  _ I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream.  _

* * *

“This wasn’t on purpose, correct?”

The psychologist peered at John over her glasses, a pen and paper ready. He sighed, already having told this to multiple people. 

“No, it wasn’t.”

Well, it sort of was. But not in the, ‘I want to die’ mindset. More the, ‘I want to stop feeling things forever’ type. Which, inadvertently, were only separated by a fine line of self-control. He went through about three different medical professionals, painstakingly telling them the same information time and time again. When the final person left, he laid back in his hospital bed with a deep sigh, unsure of when he would be able to go home. Hospitals never told you anything. He rubbed his forearm mindlessly, feeling the bumps from scars of past drug uses. He frowned, knowing very well he had messed up for real. 

He knew how badly he had scared them all. From the times he’d faded in and out of consciousness, he remembered the depressing weight on his chest, Laf as he sobbed, and Alex screaming his name. He remembered pain shooting through his body, followed by the releasing feeling of his chest being freed, and being able to breathe again. 

Besides that, everything was a blur. Now, as he laid in silence in his hospital room, it led him to regret every single decision he’d made that day. He looked out the window, frowning. He couldn’t let this happen again. What if he would’ve died? Left Herc and Laf behind feeling like it was their fault? Left Alex wondering what could have possibly gone wrong in those few minutes between his ‘hello’, and John laying on the floor of the bathroom.

Well, he probably wondered that now, too. 

He closed his eyes, still exhausted from the treatments they put him through. As he waited to fall asleep, he made a quiet vow to himself, so quiet that nobody but he could hear it. A vow not as much for him, but Laf and Herc. For Alex. 

“Never again…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is painfully short, but I'm really just not feeling a lot of motivation today. I need to color a picture for Lambs Month (that's the name of it on Instagram, different from 'Lams' Month, hence why they added a b). I'm like... dying lol. Back then 800 words for me was a 'ridiculously long chapter', and now 2,000 seems like highway story robbery.
> 
> A couple of things to clarify: this 'theoretically' takes place during the AU chapter, Fight Then Write, if you happen to recognize the beginning dialogue. Again, not 'technically' cannon, but it can be if you personally see it as that way! I try making these fit with the story the best I can. I promise the next chapter will be fluffy goodness. In unrelated news, I filled one of my sketchbooks completely up omg. ALL with art for the AU, sue me. So anything exciting coming of your guys' quarantines? And are you all out of school? I know our last day was Friday the 13th, and it is canceled for the rest of the year. I haven't left my property since that day, no joke.


	4. These Rainy Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John is bored, and decides to take advantage of a rainy day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I promised you guys I would give you all some fluff. I’m starting this later than usual, as I worked on my art for Lam(b)s month, then had to write a Drum Major essay (I’m going for my second year as Drum Major yeehaw). But here it is! This is sort of a request, I got the idea from Archive’s @KamilleK300Artz192 in one of her (amazing) sketches, which can be found on her Instagram @lil_kam_party_192300. Some fluff to heal all our souls in this dire time!

John stared silently out the window, his head rested on top of his forearm. The sounds of the rain outside put great justice to the dullness that was that evening. Alex was typing away at his computer in the living room, leaving John to his own devices. He glanced at the clock again, hoping for some great amount of time to have passed. Sadly, there was only a ten-minute difference from the last.

_ 8:52. _

The house had gone quiet earlier than usual that night, the overcast sky robbing them of the usual daylight hours. Alex retreated to his workspace, while John putzed around until finally settling in his usual spot in the window. He found that staring up at the sky put his mind to rest more than anything, especially on clear nights when the stars were in full visibility. Sadly, that would not be the case now, as the sky was plagued by rain clouds. He stood up, sighing. 

He paced around the room for a while, trying to busy himself with whatever he could find. He picked up some dirty clothes and threw them in the hamper, tossed away some trash, organized shelves, anything to keep his hands occupied. As he was sliding some loose change off the nightstand, something in the half-open drawer caught his eye. He frowned to himself. 

_ I really shouldn’t,  _ he noted, mindlessly dragging his fingers against the smooth wood surface. 

Being killed by curiosity, he nudged it to open a bit more. The glint of a clear lens caught the light. 

Glasses?

He carefully pulled out a pair of glasses from the drawer, holding them delicately between his fingers, trying his best not to smudge the lenses. He turned them over in his hand.

“Lex, you wear glasses?” He chuckled to himself, holding them up to the light. 

He stopped, considering. After a few moments, he opened them and carefully slid them on. He looked around once, and nearly tipped over from the prescription that sent his eyes into a frenzy. God, was Alex blind? Once he managed to steady himself, he wandered to the mirror, placed right on the door and leaned in, trying to see himself. He automatically laughed.  _ God, _ he thought.  _ I look horrendous in glasses. Bet Alex wouldn’t though… _

Just as he imagined it, the door swung open, nailing him right in the nose. 

“Oh-!”

He stumbled backward as Alex stepped quickly into the room, looking wildly around. 

“John, I am so sorry-!”

He stopped upon seeing John, who awkwardly stood in front of him, still wearing the glasses. He threw them off, awkwardly placing them behind his back, knowing very well Alex had already seen them. 

“John, what are those?” He asked, a hint of a smile on his face. 

“These are… my shoes,” he said slowly, gesturing down to… socks. He groaned. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, handing him the glasses defeatedly. “I saw them and I couldn’t help myself.”

Alex laughed, taking the glasses from him. 

“I didn’t know you owned glasses,” John said, crossing his arms. 

Alex sighed, turning them over in his hand.

“I hardly wear them,” he frowned. 

“Why not?” 

Alex shrugged.

“They look stupid,” he chuckled. John took the glasses from his hands.

“What are you-?”

He slid them onto Alex’s face now, carefully as to not poke his eye out. When they were on, he took a step back and almost melted into the floor where he was standing. The glasses suited him very well and added to his already adorably disheveled being. He must’ve been smiling like an absolute idiot, as Alex raised his eyebrow and laughed. 

“What?” He chuckled, taking them back off. 

“You look cute.”

“I’m not  _ cute. _ ”

“You’re right,” John said, snatching the glasses once again. “You’re absolutely adorable.”

Alex reached for the glasses, but John swatted his arm away before he got the chance with a playful smirk. Anything to distract Alex from going back to work. 

“Give me them,” he said, crossing his arms. 

John crossed his arms in a mock pout. 

“Give me them,” he repeated in a high voice.

God, he loved razzing Alex, as evil as it was. 

“John…”

“Alex…” he drawled, conjuring whatever was left of his southern accent.

“That’s it-”

Alex dove for his hand, which John threw behind his back as he spun out of the way, sending Alex stumbling past. He darted out of the room into the living area, hearing Alex following close behind. 

“Twerp!” He laughed, wrapping his arms around John’s waist. 

Herc and Laf were staying overnight at a hotel out of town for a weekend concert, which meant that Alex and John could be as rambunctious as they wanted, which is good because as Alex wrapped his arms around him, John let out a half laugh- half yell as the air was knocked from him. 

“Is that all you’ve got?” He laughed, wiggling his way out from Alex’s grip. 

He ducked, still laughing and sought refuge on the other side of the room where Alex quickly followed suit. They did this a lot when they were bored, and by bored, that meant whenever one wanted attention from the other. He was immediately met at the door where Alex cornered him. For a moment, he considered running outside altogether, but instead, he dropped and scuttled beneath Alex’s legs, causing him to gasp, 

“Whoa!”

John clambered back to his feet and sprinted now into the kitchen. The house was small, essentially the size of an apartment, but it was cozy enough the four didn’t mind. The living area was large enough to get by, and the bedrooms were fairly spacey as well. The two engaged in a shuffle motion around the island, both laughing and teasing each other with movement. 

“John, come on! You’re gonna break them!”

“No, I won’t!” John laughed. 

As Alex committed to one side, John shot out the other across the kitchen and back into the hallway, where he made a last-second decision to shoot into the bedroom. He slammed the door behind him, laughing breathlessly as he leaned against it. Alex’s loud knocks send vibrations down his back.

“Open the door,” he called, trying to nudge the door open.

“No way!” John responded, digging his heels into the carpet. “You’re gonna like, kill me or something.”

“You’re right!”

John laughed again, losing miserably as Alex pried open the door. He was considerably stronger than he looked, which was a disadvantage for John in times like these. Suddenly the force against the door stopped, and before John could react, Alex threw his full force into it. John yelped as the force sent him tumbling forward into the room. 

“Gotcha!” Alex laughed, throwing himself on top of John who was laying on the ground in stitches. 

“No, no- stop it!” John burst out laughing as Alex reached for his sides. 

“Tell meeee,” he prodded, tickling John relentlessly.

John automatically began kicking his legs in a feeble attempt at getting away, grabbing at Alex’s wrists. Once he managed a hold of one, he was able to secure the other and roll Alex off of him. He sprung back up, ready to make another escape when two arms wrapped around his torso. 

“Ah!”

With one heave, Alex managed to pick up John and throw him onto the bed. Before John had a chance to react, he jumped on after him in a tackle. 

“Alex!” John laughed as Alex grabbed at his arms, trying to pin him. 

“John,” He mocked in a whiny tone. 

After a few minutes of rolling around, Alex managed to pin John onto his stomach with his arms secured behind his back and his face buried into the bed. 

“Tell me where they are,” he breathed.

John, whose face was still pressed into the mattress, let out a series of muffled grunts. Alex sat up and rolled him onto his back, before prompt sitting right back on top of him. 

“Now tell me where they are,” he laughed, a glint in his eye. 

John held back a smile as he panted lightly from the roughhousing. 

“I put them under the bed when you weren’t looking,” he replied smugly. 

Alex frowned, then groaned loudly. 

“I chased you around for nothing then?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say that…”

Alex leaned forward, resting his forearms on John’s chest. John grunted from the sudden pressure of his elbows but decided to not mention it. 

“Oh? Elaborate on that,” Alex asked in a low, husky voice, leaning closer to John’s face.

_ God dang it, _ John thought.  _ He’s using that against me.  _ Alex knew John got flustered whenever he lowered his voice. Don’t ask him why, he had no idea, but it sent his heart into backflips. 

“Well- well I just thought that- that m-maybe it would…” he trailed off as Alex continued leaning in until John’s voice cut off with a feeble squeak. 

Alex, now only a hair away from John’s face smirked. 

“Distract me?” He breathed. 

John nodded, holding his breath. Alex leaned in the rest of the way for what John expected to be a kiss. However, that wasn’t the case when he felt Alex’s slobbery tongue run from his lips up to his nose.

“Ack!” John shouted, trying to throw Alex off of him, who was roaring with laughter. 

Obviously not satisfied, Alex went in for the second attack, grabbing John's face and licking from his jaw to his ear, nearly causing him to scream from the sensation. 

“You! Nasty!” John yelled, grabbing a nearby pillow and hitting Alex with it each word. 

“Ow! Hey!” Alex laughed, trying to shield himself from the attack. 

“Why do you feel the need to lick me? Huh?” John asked, still pelting him with the pillow.

Alex grabbed the pillow and forced it back at John, shoving it in his face.

“The same reason you feel the need to beat me with pillows!”

John laughed, shoving the pillow back. 

“You’re just mad I won,” Alex taunted. 

John realized Alex was still perched on top of him. He would’ve continued the fight, but he was exhausted. 

“Whatever,” he mumbled, smiling. 

Alex tossed away the pillow, chuckling. 

“Your plan worked,” Alex said, laying down, still very much on top of John. 

“Hmm?” John hummed, content with the warmth Alex gave. “What plan?”

“To distract me, goofy.”

“Oh right, that one.”

Alex laughed, nuzzling his head into John’s neck. He wrapped his arms around Alex, lightly running his fingers up and down his back. 

“You’re just working so much,” John said quietly. “I dunno…”

Alex lifted his head, looking down at John with a questionably sad expression. 

“No, say it,” he said softly. John sighed.

“It just feels like you don’t have time for me, you know? I know you’re busy with school work and stuff-”

“Jackie, no, no I’m never too busy for you,” Alex said, putting his hand on John’s cheek. “You should’ve said something, I’m sorry.”

John laughed. He always loved it when Alex put his hand on his face like that, it was comforting, especially the way he gently stroked his thumb against his skin, the way the contact sent tingles down his spine. He had yet to get used to all the physical affection, and more so returning it. Alex was the more physical of the two, though John was working on it. 

“I just hate bothering you,” he admitted. “Especially when you’re really focused.”

“John, you can always talk to me, work or not,” Alex laughed. “Believe it or not, I love my boyfriend more than I love calculus homework.”

John sank into the bed a little bit, feeling his face flush at the words. 

“You do?”

Alex gasped lightly, looking almost hurt. 

“Of course I do, how couldn’t I?” He paused, looking at John with a knowing look. “Do I need to prove it?”

“I-I well, I mean-” John stuttered. 

God, Alex really did know how to render him speechless. 

Alex leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead, then to his nose. With each peck, John almost worried he would lick him again, but thankfully that was far from the truth. Alex pressed gentle kisses to different parts of his face, everywhere except his lips. 

“Alex,” he giggled. “What are you doing?”

“I’m showering you with love and affection.”

“Are you now?”

John unscrewed his eyes, which he had shut amid the kiss-attack. He saw Alex looking at him softly, his chocolate brown melting into his. They stared at each other, a smile tugging at his lips. Finally, Alex leaned down and kissed him deeply, making his heart do a backflip. They kissed, sure, but most of the time it was a peck or a soft kiss, nothing too deep or passionate- though, they did have their moments. His hand found Alex’s hair, which he ran his fingers through, Alex deepening the kiss. When they broke away, both were left breathless.

“Is that enough proof?” Alex asked, his warm breath tickling John’s lips. 

John reached up, gently stroking the backside of his fingers across Alex’s cheek and nodded. 

Alex laughed quietly, rolling off of John onto the bed. 

“Are you… staying in here?” John asked awkwardly, rolling over to face Alex.

“Yeah, I’m exhausted. I just did more running today than all my cumulative high school years,” he laughed. 

John yawned and stretched out as Alex went and turned off the light, leaving just the Christmas lights strung around the room on. He climbed back into bed and settled under the covers. 

“What time is it?” John murmured, feeling his eyelids grow heavy. 

“Nine thirty, why?”

John shrugged, smiling. He knew why he’d asked. Though he went back to normal time, usually he and Alex didn’t both end up falling asleep until early morning. With Alex’s insomniatic behavior and John’s frequent waking up, they were about the opposite of a ‘dream’ team. It almost felt like an accomplishment getting Alex into the bed at a somewhat decent time. 

“You know, I just realized something,” Alex laughed. “I never did grab those glasses.”

“They’re a surprise for later.”

They laughed, and though they didn’t fall asleep right away, the two found themselves chatting away until the late-night about various things. Sometime during the night, however, they managed to fall asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s 3:30 AM and my eyes are physically not letting me see anymore, so yeehaw. I’ll write more in the note later, I can’t see what I’m typing- I’m so tired lol. 
> 
> ...
> 
> Day 2 and I’m still tired. I have coffee, but you can tell I wrote this at three am. I'm so sorry you guys, this chapter sucks. Like I can't even edit it to make it better, that's how BAD it is. Also, I'm sorry for no update yesterday, my account kinda blew up from what it had so I had to momentarily focus on my art which is something I'm definitely not used to. My writing brain has turned OFF. I'll still try my best to put out work at a steady pace, but if I had to chose I would much rather give you guys quality content, cause you all deserve it! I will try editing this another time, though. Until then, some crack-head fluff!


	5. I, of the Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alex doesn't take his medication and has a PTSD episode, but John is there to comfort him. Requested by Archive's @cherry_cheesecake_uwu. Thank you so much!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of this was written in accordance with a real-time storm, so details like the birds and the sky... yeah that was all happening irl as this was written. This was a request as well, so I decided this would be a perfect time! I hope you enjoy this angsty little drabble.

Alex glanced back out the window, aghast at how violently the sky had darkened. Only minutes earlier the sky was a feeble shade of light grey, the color of a sprinkle or light rain. Now? It was dark, foreboding, darkening whatever was left of the evening daylight. There were distant rumbles of thunder. 

“Damn birds,” he whispered, nervously tapping his pen. 

From his place at his desk he could hear the birds going wild, each song being strung together in a frantic tune which sent chills down his spine. A cool breeze shot through the open window, the wind was beginning to pick up dramatically from earlier. 

“John, what did the forecast call for?” Alex called again to his boyfriend, who was standing on the far side of the room, watching the storm. 

“Severe thunderstorms, possibly a tornado,” he replied, craning his head out the front window. 

He envied John. John wasn’t afraid of storms whatsoever, in fact, he liked them. He liked to sit out on the front porch and watch the sky darken, or perch himself in their bedroom window and look at the rain and thunder. Alex, however, used the time to get work done- anything to distract himself. His chest tightened, hearing the rain begin to fall heavily. Then, the first flash of lightning.

“Do you think we’ll have one?” He asked rigidly. 

“Hard to say, I doubt it.”

The rain beaded down the window silently. Alex could see the beauty of storms, what John saw, but his overwhelming anxieties always overpowered whatever good lied within them. He took a deep breath and went back to his typing. He had a research essay due by Friday, and by god, he wouldn’t let a storm put him behind schedule. 

“How long will it last?”

The rain was evening out now, falling in even sheets. At some points it would die down, or stop completely, which was almost scarier, considering the birds had stopped chirping. The only thing piercing the silence was the occasional distant rumble of thunder over the horizon. 

“Few hours as of now,” John said, walking over to where Alex sat. 

“You should come outside and watch the sky with me,” John coaxed, putting his hands on Alex's shoulders. 

“I really need to work, Jack,” Alex said, feeling John as he began to knead his fingers gently into Alex’s probably stiff muscles. 

“Come onnn, you’re always working- and Jesus christ, Alexander! Loosen up, you’re like a brick!”

“No time for relaxation,” he murmured, savoring the feeling of the massage. “Paper is due Friday.”

“Lex, it’s only Tuesday.”

“It’s a long paper.”

John sighed, retracting his hands, to which Alex nearly audibly whined. 

“I’ll get you out there one of these days,” he chuckled. 

When Alex heard the click of the door shut behind John, he groaned and put his head into his hands. John had no idea about it. Anytime it stormed, he would usually barricade himself in between the bedroom or the bathroom, anywhere John and the others couldn’t see him. Usually, his medications kept his PTSD related symptoms at bay, but he had the habit of falling off the medications, or not taking them regularly- a bad idea come time for storm season. The last time it got bad, John was with Herc and Laf shopping for clothing materials for his court outfit. He had a pretty severe panic episode and was reduced to a sobbing mess on the bathroom floor, the shower turned all the way up to drown out the noises of the storm. Not his finest moment, by far.

He was torn from his thoughts by his phone buzzing with a message from Laf. He and Herc were (again) out of the house at a bar just south of town. 

**Hailing like crazy here, lights flickered. Still have power?**

He frowned, feeling his breath catch in his throat. He shakily replied. 

**Yes. No hail yet.**

He glanced back at the window. He wanted to tell John, he had meant to for some time, but it seemed like whenever he came close he just couldn’t bring himself to say it. It was embarrassing, no doubt, and he knew John would understand, but he worried so greatly of John thinking less of him that he never quite got the words out. 

Ridiculous, he knew. 

Another rumble of thunder caused his hands to involuntarily close as he went rigid again. Why on earth was John still out there? The sky was darker than before, almost black, and thought it was only seven-thirty, it could easily have passed for nighttime. There was a sudden flash of light, accompanied by another- much closer- rumble. He threw his hand over his mouth to muffle the half yell- half sob that bubbled from his throat.

“C’mon, get a grip,” he grumbled, tapping an open hand on his fist, trying whatever he could to release the building tension in his body. 

The rain was falling heavier now and was beginning to pool on the windowsill. He stood up and went to close it when another sudden crash lit up the night sky. He gasped, stumbling backward across the room and landing hard onto his back. He gasped, the air knocked from his lungs.

“Jesus, it’s raining cats and dogs, and- Alex?”

John rushed into the room, kneeling next to Alex who was still sputtering on the ground. John put his hand firmly on the square of his back, easing him up. 

“Hey, you alright?” He asked, worriedly. 

“Yeah- yeah,” Alex breathed. “Just fell.”

“Fell?” John frowned. “How do you just 'fall'?”

Alex shrugged quickly, still unable to catch his breath. Thunder cracked again, much louder this time thanks to the open door. Alex lurched, a deep sob tumbling out as he wrapped his arms around himself. 

_ So much for hiding it. _

“Alex-? Alex, what’s going on?”

Alex shook his head, desperately trying to pull his arms closer in on his trembling body. His breath came out in bursts, each accompanied by a staggering gasp for air. Images were beginning to flood his head. 

“Hurri-hurricane,” he gasped, forcing his eyes open. 

“Hurricane?” John asked, still obviously confused. 

His eyes forced themselves to shut again, and horrible images began to circle round. Bodies, civilian bodies, the dark sky- 

Another crack of lightning, he cried out with a sob.  _ Make this end, make this end make this end- _

John’s light touch brought him back, only for a moment, but just long enough to get out the words,

“Ptsd, from-from the hurricane-”

“Oh?” John frowned, then realization dawned as his eyes grew wide. “Oh. Oh- oh my god- okay- uh-”

He looked around him frantically, obviously unsure of what to do. 

“How do I help you? I don’t- I don’t know how to help,” he said quickly, almost panicked. 

Alex, who was being overcome by another wave of panic, reached out blindly, grabbing a fistful of John’s shirt. 

“S-stay,” he whispered, “Pl-please.”

He felt John scoop him up, wrapping his arms around his shoulders firmly. 

“I’m here,” John said softly, rubbing his hands up and down Alex’s arms. “I’m here.”

John stayed with him for the next hour and a half, even after the storm had passed. With each flash of light, John held onto Alex tightly as he went stiff from the anticipation of the thunder, and even tighter when he sobbed and shook violently, murmuring words and phrases that didn’t make sense to distract himself. 

Only about half were actually in English. 

Though he was probably afraid, John handled his episode much better than Alex could’ve anticipated. He would occasionally loosen his grip to give Alex air, or to let him sway back and forth to try releasing the tension in his muscles. Even well after the last rumble of thunder had passed, Alex was still shaking. 

“You can… you can close the door,” he murmured. 

“Are you sure?”

Alex smiled slightly and nodded. While John went to close the door, he crawled up onto the couch, crossing his legs and placing his trembling hands in his lap. John fetched a large blanket, wrapping it around Alex and sitting down quietly next to him. They sat in the heavy silence for a while, listening to the light rainfall outside. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” John asked quietly after a while. 

“I didn’t know how to tell you,” Alex said quietly, almost surprised he could make out words. “It’s just… not really something I like to admit, I guess.”

“What about all those other storms? I’ve never seen you do this before,” he said, frowning. 

“Medicine helps, I don’t always take it though.”

“Alex,” John said. “You need to take it, it’s prescribed for a reason-”

“-It also turns me into a zombie,” Alex huffed. “I would rather feel everything than nothing.”

“But still,” John said, slouching. “I’m sure it’s not healthy to start and stop like that.”

Alex furrowed his brows. He'd never really considered that point. 

“When was the last time you took it?”

“Last month? Maybe?”

“ _ Last month _ ?”

John sighed. 

“You should really be taking it, and if I have to remind you every single day I will,” John said. “That’s a promise.”

Alex chuckled. 

“I would be entirely impressed.” 

He yawned suddenly, forgetting the effects his episodes had on him. Though this one wasn’t as severe as most, it still exhausted him. He wrapped the blanket close to himself and curled down into a lying position- possibly kicking John on purpose to be funny. 

“Hey- ow!” John laughed, swatting his leg. 

Alex laughed, yawning again. The shaking had died down to hardly anything now. As John stood up, he frowned.

“John?”

“Yeah?” 

“Stay?” He asked, almost bashful. 

John smiled and clambered on top of Alex, eventually resting snugly on top of his chest. Alex threw the blanket back over him and John, laughing. 

“Why are you damp?" He asked, noting the subtle wetness of his shirt on top of his.

"Because it was raining."

"You smell like wet dog," Alex laughed. Though it wasn't entirely true, his clothes did smell somewhat musty. 

"Well now so do you," John replied, burying his head into Alex's chest.

After that day, Alex hadn’t at all expected John to keep the promise. Not because he thought John as a liar, but because no person could ever possibly remember such a thing and keep up with it. He was proved wrong quickly, as John reminded him the very next morning. Then the morning after, and the morning after that.

That night was the last night Alex forgot to take his medication. In fact, that was the last night any of them forgot to take them. All of them had some sort of daily medication, and John’s constant reminders became everyone’s daily reminder, which spiraled into them all reminding each other _ , “Hey, did you take your vitamins? Hey, have you taken your afternoon meds?” _

Eventually, someone purchased a whiteboard which was placed on the fridge with all their names, and tic boxes for different things such as: took their medication, drank water, went to sleep, and other healthy things. It was silly at first but ended up being incredibly helpful for Alex, who painfully admitted he’d once gone a full month without plain water because he thought got it all from coffee. 

It was helpful for all of them and became an integrated part of their house in no time. Alex had to laugh whenever he saw it, though, because he knew what happened to start that chain event. 

How one storm, one small storm ended up being the best thing for the health of everyone in the house, was beyond all of them, but, by God, they didn’t complain.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well! Told you guys, I'm out of my rut already. I just have bad days for my brain, and yesterday I was severely out of it (I later had a mild panic attack, so I was definitely in a funk). Today was much better though, but thank you for the comments on that last chapter. Those made me smile a lot, considering how badly I felt. I hope you all enjoyed this, I thought it was time John finally returned the favor to Alex. 
> 
> Also, the thing with the coffee is accurate, but don't ask me how I know... *slinks back into the darkness whilst cackling evilly*


	6. I Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW!!! This chapter is themed around an instance of domestic violence/abuse. If you are sensitive to this, please take care and don't read! Be safe, take care of yourself <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So, I know there was quite some time between updates. I'm terribly sorry for that, Lam(b)s month is occupying so much of my time, and between keeping up with my still rapidly growing art account I couldn't find much time to write. I finished this chapter, however, and have ideas for another. So yay! Lol

“And that there is Capella,” John pointed tiredly at the sky, right at a bright shining star towards the north. “The brightest star in the sky.”

Alex rocked forwards on his knees, craning to see out the window. John had to laugh at the look of wonder on his face, almost childlike. His favorite part of the day had to be the night time when he and Alex would stay up late and look at the sky together. He always had a natural fondness of the night sky, which turned into an acute knowledge. 

“The flickering one, you mean?” Alex asked, frowning. “You’re sure that isn’t a satellite?”

“I’m sure,” John chuckled, leaning back. “Stare at it, and don’t blink.”

“Huh?” 

“Just do it.”

Alex widened his eyes, staring aggressively at Capella with a look of pure determination on his face. It didn’t last long, however, as a cool breeze drifted through, likely drying his eyes out. 

“It’s… long?” He asked, confused. “It looks like a UFO.”

“Not long, two.”

“Two? Two what?”

“Two stars.”

He squinted again. 

“Capella is actually Capella a and b, if you look hard enough you can see both of them,” John explained. Alex sat back, seemingly impressed. 

“Wow, explains why it’s so bright. It’s  _ twins. _ ”

John laughed, and mistakingly rubbed his eyes. 

“John, I  _ still _ feel like there’s something you’re not telling me,” Alex said, for the third time that night. 

The room was dark, thankfully, so he couldn’t see John’s red eyes. Alex had found him just after a nightmare, one of which shook him up so much that he much rather wanted to distract himself than face it. Mostly because it was just any nightmare, but a memory. Alex wasn’t stupid, John knew this, and he could tell that John was upset- as much as he tried denying it. 

“Alex, I’m fine,” John said lightly, gently shoving his shoulder. 

“John, you were on the verge of tears when I came in,” Alex replied, nudging him back. 

“That’s what you always say.”

For years, John was plagued by frequent nightmares. After some time, he got fairly used to them, but he still had his moments where one would be worse than the last. Alex seemed to always find him in his worst moments, which was both a curse and a blessing depending on who you asked. 

“You had another nightmare,” Alex said knowingly. “I can tell.”

“And how can you tell?”

“Well, the bed isn’t made so you were trying to sleep,” he noted. “And you’re refusing to talk about it, so it must’ve been a pretty bad one. You like to change subjects when you have the bad ones.”

John blinked, unaware even he did these things. He sunk back into the seat defeated. 

“Oh.”

“As I said, you don’t have to tell me everything, but believe me, talking about it is going to help more than you realize,” he set, gently resting a hand on John’s knee. “It always helped me.”

John sighed, looking out the window. _ This wouldn’t be a fun discussion.  _

“I really don’t think you want to hear it,” he said quietly. 

“Why not?”

John frowned and shrugged. He knew exactly why, but he couldn’t exactly say,  _ you’ll get jealous.  _

“Just start from the beginning, I promise I can handle it,” he said, chuckling lightly. John only half-smiled. 

“It was um, it wasn’t a regular nightmare, I guess,” he started slowly, playing with a loose string on his sweatpants. “It was more like a memory.”

“Like a flashback?”

“Kind of? It wasn’t anything traumatic, it was just… something I would’ve rather not remembered. Someone, more like.”

He saw Alex tilt his head in confusion in the darkness. He sighed, feeling his chest tighten ever so slightly. 

“It was from my freshman year,” his throat tightened now too. “I had just gotten into the whole drug mess, and I met someone from one of the groups we traded with. A boy.”

Alex perked up.

“A boy? I mean- I’m sorry I don’t mean to sound surprised, I just- I didn’t think you were...”

He trailed off defeatedly, to which John just laughed. Alex, word connoisseur, didn’t even know what to say.

“If you mean gay, then much to my dismay, I was,” he said. “I don’t know how he knew, he left his number on a baggie on a sticky note.”

He laughed bitterly, remembering it well. 

“So you dated, then?”

“Kind of.”

Alex frowned. 

“Kind of?”

He explained all he could. The boy's name was Max, short for Maximillion. A senior when he was a freshman, which was bad voodoo according to many. At first, John was convinced he was in love. He was a football player, good looking, witty, an overall nice guy. 

Of course, his judgment had been completely off. 

“He was the one who got me into drinking,” John said, folding his legs underneath him. “Something I swore I’d never do after seeing what it did to my father. But he was persistent and I was naive. He could have convinced me to kill for him, he was that convincing.”

“He didn’t make you do anything else, did he?” Alex asked carefully. John understood what he was hinting at, judging by the mildly scared tone in his voice.

“No, no, nothing like that,” John said quickly. “That was the one area he didn’t push.”

He continued, talking about his verbally abusive tendencies, how he turned into an absolute dick when he was drunk or high. Then he would try making up for it when he was sober, which in itself was an emotional rollercoaster for John, who didn’t know how to feel. He took it though, just like always. He looked back on the whole situation with regret. He used to sneak over to his house all the time to hang out, never telling Herc or Laf where he’d gone. They assume he went out to parties all the time, but the truth of the matter was he was at Max’s. While he spoke, he wished so much he could see Alex’s face, just to have some idea on how he felt. 

“He was a mistake,” John said. “The entire situation was a mistake, and I should’ve known better. He was awful to me most of the time.” 

“Did he ever… you know… physically hurt you?” 

John sighed. 

“Once. And that was the last time.”

The main happening of his nightmare. Both that night and all those years prior. 

“I uh, I had gone to his house late one night,” he began, swallowing tears. “I knew I shouldn’t have, he was cross-faded like you wouldn’t believe. Talking nonsense, saying how I ‘never show him any affection’ and ‘act like I don’t care about him’, and how miserable he was all the time.”

“So what did you do?” Alex asked quietly. 

“I asked him to take me home. He wouldn’t go figure,” John laughed, but the laugh quickly turned into a grimace. “He got so mad. I genuinely thought he was going to kill me.”

He shuddered, remembering the wild look in his eye. 

“He stood up and grabbed me, starting shoving me around like I was some ragdoll, and when I tried to get away, he um… he threw me against the wall. six three, almost three-hundred-pound football player, threw me into a cement wall,” he laughed humorlessly. “Nearly knocked me unconscious.”

When Alex didn’t say anything, he continued, hoping to alleviate the heavy mood. 

“I’d never seen anyone go so sober so quickly. He looked like he’d just killed a man, didn’t say anything, just stared wide-eyed at me for a while. He took me home right after and I never saw him again.”

“What? Just… just like that? Never?”

“Transferred,” John nodded. “Unrelated, I guess. He got in a situation with some coach who found out he did drugs and the rest was history.”

“Wow,” Alex said. “Is that what you dreamt about, then?”

“Yeah,” John said, rubbing his neck. “Nothing traumatizing, but uh, brings back stuff I thought was laid to rest.” 

Alex reached out, gently rubbing his arm. 

“I’m sorry, Jackie, I know how it is,” he said quietly. “Why did you never say anything?”

“It never really came up? I guess?” John laughed, trying to push away the intrusive memories. “It doesn’t matter now, anyway.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

John leaned forward and kissed Alex gently on the lips. 

“Because I have you.”

He heard Alex giggle a bit, which made him smile. They didn’t stay up too much longer before migrating back to the bed, as the clouds selfishly covered the sky up. John laid, staring up at the ceiling in silence while Alex slept. He hated remembering that night, now. He hated remembering Max. For so long he was able to repress it with substances, but now that he’s sober and clean, it seemed like the negative memories marched back in one by one. He closed his eyes, the day already beginning to play out. 

* * *

_ It was nine-thirty, and there wasn’t a party for a hundred-mile radius. Of course, nobody else knew that.  _

_ John frustratedly typed out another message, heading down the street.  _

**_Where r u?_ **

_ A response popped up on the top of the screen. _

**_On the corner hurry up ppl are staring at me_ **

_ He and Max had the agreement he’d never pick up or drop off John directly from his house, to avoid suspicion with Laf or the neighbors. Finally, he caught a glimpse of a pair of headlights parked in a lot just around the corner, just now flipping on. He picked up the pace, tucking his phone back into his pocket. He knew he shouldn’t be hanging out with him, judging by the way he sounded on the phone, he was drunk, but Max was insistent they be together that night- and it wasn’t as if he could tell him no.  _

_ When he got into the car, he could smell Max’s booze-breath from where he sat.  _

_ “Took you long enough,” he muttered, pulling out of the lot. “Take your time?” _

_ “I would’ve been quicker if you had your lights on,” John shot back, crossing his arms.  _

_ He’s high, too, John noted to himself, seeing Max’s red eyes. He sunk into his seat.  _

_ “What happened to your face?” Max asked, monotone, not moving his eyes from the road.  _

_ John reached up instinctively, feeling the two bandages on his jaw.  _

_ “Some dudes keyed me last night,” he chuckled.  _

_ The night before a couple of guys had gotten hostile, pulled out their keychains and started swinging, taking out some of the skin on his jaw. He rested his hand back in his lap, glancing out the window. Tonight wasn’t going to go well, he could see it already.  _

* * *

_ “You’re ashamed to be with me, that’s what it is!” He spat. “Isn’t it?” _

__ _ “You know the situation, you know why we can’t be seen in public!” John shot back, knowing very well it was useless to argue back. He did it anyway.  _

_ The two had been at it for almost an hour. They were barely into the house before Max started shooting off accusations. ‘You hate me!’ ‘Why didn’t you call back right away?’. John had asked to go home multiple times since they started feuding, but was shot down each time, which took leaving right off the table, as Max lived a half-hour drive from John’s house. _

_ “Don’t I matter? To hell what your old man thinks!” _

_ “He’s the one keeping me in college, smartass!” _

_ “Don’t you curse at me,” Max murmured, getting close to John’s face.  _

_ John searched his eyes for some sort of sobriety, something to tell him he was still in there but was left empty-handed. Max went to sit back, a bit too quickly, as John jerked backward instinctively, possibly the second-worst mistake he’d make that night.  _

_ “You wanna flinch? You want to flinch, huh?” _

_ “No- no I didn’t-” _

_ “I’ll give you something to flinch at!” _

_ Max reached out, grabbing a fistful of the front of John’s sweatshirt, yanking him violently off the couch as if he were weightless. He shoved him backward, sending John staggering. His mind went blank, all except for his frantic musings. _

_ He wouldn’t hit me, he doesn’t hit me- he’s different, he said he was different! _

_ “Say something!” He shouted. “Say you hate me!” _

_ “No,” John murmured, instinctively wrapping his arms around his chest.  _

_ He loves me, he said he loved me, he’ll apologize and this will all be okay.  _

_ “Say it!”  _

_ Max was screaming wildly now. He pushed John back again.  _

_ “I’m not going to say it!” John shouted.  _

_ Max’s eyes dilated as he faced John, seething with a rage he’d never seen.  _

_ “You…” He grabbed him by the front of his shirt again, fingernails scraping his skin through the fabric. “You!” _

_ In one fatal move, he shoved his full force into John, bringing a knee up to his abdomen as he slammed the smaller man into the wall.  _

_ For a moment, there was silence, the only noise was the faint thumping of John’s heart- a crude reminder he was still alive. White shadows danced silently around his vision as the sharp, splintering pain shot through his back, stomach, and head. There was no air left in his lungs, by god- he needed to breathe! _

_ He wouldn’t hit me… he wouldn’t hit me… _

_ A choked gasp escaped his throat as he slid down to the ground, then another. His chest hurt so badly. He yelped as two hands pulled him up, though not as roughly as before. As he collected his legs beneath him, he put a hand to his mouth, pulling back to see blood staining his fingertips. He swayed.  _

_ “Fuck, fuck,” Max whispered, steadying him.  _

_ John looked up in surprise, as all visible traces of anger were gone. All traces of drunkenness, or being high had disappeared and was now covered by a look of remarkable sadness. He frowned, still trying to catch his breath. The room spun. _

_ “I-I’m,” he breathed, not quite sure what he was trying to say.  _

_ Max led him to the door, scooping up his backpack on the way.  _

_ “C’mon,” he said emotionlessly. “You’re going home.” _

_ The ride back to John’s house was dead quiet. A quiet he’d never heard before. Maybe it was his hearing not completely returning, but he could tell Max had a role in it. His head was throbbing, so much he could hardly look out the window without sharp pains sending shockwaves of pain. Once they finally reached his house, he nearly fell over as he stepped out of the car. Wait, his house? But Max doesn’t- _

_ He heard the click of Max’s door open, then watched as he quickly walked around the front of the car to where John was (barely) standing. He handed him his backpack silently, not meeting his eyes. John took the bag and was throwing it over his shoulder when Max leaned down, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek.  _

_ “I’m sorry, Jubs.” _

_ Max wasted no time leaving after that, his car becoming but a speck as John watched it disappear down the road. He tightened his grip on his bag, feeling the tears well up in his eyes, not quite yet heavy enough to fall. _

* * *

John opened his eyes, a shuddering breath falling from his lips.  _ It’s just a memory, _ he reasoned with himself.  _ Don’t work yourself up over a memory.  _ That didn’t stop the warm tears from spilling, however. He laid in the darkness, letting the tears run down the side of his face as he took deep breaths, trying not to wake Alex. 

“John, are you awake?”

“Yeah,” John whispered, defeated. 

“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” Alex asked, flipping himself over to face John. 

“A little,” he said, also moving over. “I’m sorry, I probably woke you up-”

“I’ve been awake,” Alex chuckled. 

Alex went to scooch closer to John when the sudden movement paired with the bitter memory caused him to jump. He held his breath as Alex frowned. 

“Hey, you alright?” 

John chuckled, closing the gap between them with his body. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he whispered, burying his face into the crook of Alex’s neck. “Goodnight, Lex.” 

Alex wrapped his arms snugly around John. 

“Night, Jackie.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone catch the easter egg??? If nobody does I'll tell you what it is next chapter! Which may or may not also be a really angsty chapter... I'm so sorry lol


	7. Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alex confronts John about his recent behaviors, and an argument ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys probably thought I dipped, didn't you? Well, I did not! Let me explain:
> 
> I, as some of you know, have an art account on Instagram which picked up momentum in April during 'Lambs' month. (I'm @a_random_voyager if you so want to follow! I post art for the AU sometimes as well as Lamas, and just Hamilton art.) I've been busy with that, staying active and posting art. I hadn't drawn in a while, so the passion for that outdid mine for writing for quite some time. I'm finally deciding to divvy up my work, however, as many of my followers on that account took interest in the AU! Super cool, for sure, and with me going back and uploading, re-reading and editing it sparked my motivation for writing once more!

“Coffee? At two in the morning? Really?”

“You act as if you’re surprised,” Alex noted, taking another sip. 

“You could at least  _ try _ defending yourself.”

“Why would I?”

John groaned, tilting his head back in exhaustion. 

“You’re so quick to get onto me about not sleeping, then you pull things like this,” John crossed his arms. “It makes me wonder why I should even listen to you.”

Alex gawked, setting down his cup. The two were perched in the window seat, having what was now called their ‘nightly debrief’, soon to be called, ‘Alexander yelling at John for not being asleep even though Alex stays up until four am every night and acts like there’s nothing wrong with that.’ 

Very interchangeable titles, to be sure. 

“Because you need the sleep,” Alex shot back. “You stay up and can hardly function the next day, meanwhile I’m fine with only a few hours-”

“-And three cups of espresso-”

“-Not the point.”

“Yes, the point!”

“John,” Alex said flatly. “I’ve been this way my entire life, I’m fine like this.”

“It can’t be healthy,” John mumbled. 

“What?” Alex chuckled, poking John’s side. 

“Stop it,” John said, holding back a smile. 

“What did you say, mumbles?” He taunted, poking John’s side a second time, to which he folded over, trying to block the attack. 

“Oh yeah?” John laughed, grazing Alex’s side with a free hand. 

John chuckled as a laugh bubbled from Alex. He swatted John’s hand away. 

“Okay okay, truce!”

John sat back, content but still doubtful, considering Alex's shit-eating grin. Thankfully, Alex didn’t go in for another attack, instead, leaning back against the side of the window as his smile slowly faded. John frowned, catching Alex’s eye. 

“What?”

“Hm?”

“Don’t ‘hm’ me, why are you looking at me like that?” John asked with a light chuckle, which quickly subsided as Alex’s face remained unwavering.

“I just,” Alex started softly. “Worry.”

“About...?”

“You.”

John sighed, leaning back as well. 

“I couldn’t possibly see why,” he said, looking back out the window. 

He knew it was a lie. Alex had been on his case about his poor sleeping habits for weeks, catching him at various times of the night awake, drawing or on his phone, anything besides sleeping. He knew he was suspicious. 

“You’re having nightmares again, aren’t you?” Alex said suddenly. 

John perked up, frowning deeply at Alex who looked back at him sadly. 

_ Well fuck,  _ were the first words to pop into John’s panicking brain as he fumbled for an excuse. 

“What? Where is this coming from?” John chuckled. “That’s all over now, I wouldn’t-”

“John Laurens, don’t you dare lie to me,” Alex said shortly, his jaw set.

John blinked. Alex was hardly ever short with him, sure, they had fights now and again, but coming out with immediate anger wasn’t how Alex typically dealt with things.

“It’s nothing, Lex,” John said quietly, feeling an unmistakable tightness in his chest. 

_ It’s Alex, stop acting scared of him,  _ he told himself.  _ He isn’t like that. _

Despite his best efforts to push back the intrusive thoughts, as Alex moved closer to him, his body jerked backward. Alex stopped short, his face falling as John cast his eyes to the ground.

_ Now you’ve really done it.  _

“John, hey,” Alex said softly, slowly reaching out to him as if he were a wild animal. “I’m sorry, I didn’t.”

“No, Alex, that wasn’t you,” John sighed. Alex frowned again, sitting back. 

“You’ve been awfully jumpy lately, you haven’t been like this since… well…” 

He paused for a moment. 

“The court case.”

John knew Alex was hesitant about bringing up those past events. It was a dark time, for sure, and they all tried their best to move away from it. Even so, sometimes the topics couldn’t be ignored.

“It’s just been a couple of bad dreams, there’s really nothing to it,” John assured him. 

“No, that’s the thing John, it isn’t.”

Alex ran a hand down his face with a sigh, looking borderline pained as he said

“John, I think you have PTSD.”

At that moment, it felt like time had frozen still as John’s breath caught in his throat. He scrambled to his feet, chuckling. 

“No, no that’s not right,” he said, backing away from the window. “I don’t have PTSD, Alex.”

“John, don’t be like this,” Alex said, almost standing. “The signs are all there.”

“Yeah? Like what? You have a couple of bad dreams and suddenly you have a disorder?” John laughed humorlessly. “Soldiers have PTSD, Alex, not college students.”

“Oh, so you’re saying I don’t have it then, huh?” Alex raised his eyebrows. 

“Now, I didn’t say that-”

“Yes, you did! That’s  _ exactly _ what you just said!”

John set his lips in a hard line.

“Forget it, Alex,” He said, spinning on his heel to leave the room. 

Before he could make it to the door, Alex was already in hot pursuit, grabbing him by the wrist.

“Don’t walk out of this conversation, John, this is serious!”

“And I’m serious too!” John shot back. “Leave it alone. I’m fine, it’s all in the past, isn’t it?”

John shook himself from Alex’s grip and had almost made it out of the room before he heard Alex’s voice again, barely a whisper. 

“I know about the panic attacks.”

John stopped in his tracks. 

“Laf told me. He didn’t want me to tell you but…”

John stared forward, breathing shallowly as he fought to comprehend what Alex had just told him. Laf had found him in the midst of a breakdown only a week or so prior while Alex was in class. He didn’t know what it had been at the time, all he knew was he had heard firecrackers, and the next minute he was on the floor sobbing. Laf promised not to say anything to Alex, though, John should’ve known he would’ve said something. John remained silent as Alex continued. 

“The dissociation, those times at the bridge, the evidence is all there, John,” he said softly. “I’ve seen it for a while but I, um, I didn’t know how to bring it up.”

“So that’s it, huh?”

“That’s what?”

John gritted his teeth. 

“I’m just one big walking disaster,” he murmured, leaving the room.

“John! John, wait-!”

John didn’t leave the air open for another word as he rushed to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He debated just leaving the house altogether, but that would be regressing too much for his liking. He pressed his back firmly against the door locking it. 

“John, come on!” Alex’s frustrated voice floated through the door. “Don’t be like this, not now!”

“Don’t be like this, he says,” John muttered angrily, sliding to the ground. 

He sighed deeply, closing his eyes. He knew he was being difficult, but he just  _ didn’t want to admit  _ that he might have yet another thing wrong with him. The notion had been tucked away in his head for the better part of the year, only being forgotten as his ‘symptoms’ decreased. The past few weeks, however, had proved difficult as things had gotten worse. The nightmares were unbearable, and the panic attacks loomed next to every day. He knew Alex dealt with PTSD, the nightmares and the panic episodes. It was his, in some sort of twisted way. He had his problems and John had his, and it felt wrong to encroach on it. 

He had enough problems, but of course, he had to have the one Alex did too.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair as Alex continued pleading from the other side of the door. The voice in his head drowning him out. 

_ Look at you. You’re pathetic. You just have to have every single thing wrong with you, don’t you? _

John glanced at the window. 

_ Alex can’t have this one thing without you making it all about yourself. Everything is about John. John this, John that.  _

If he made a break for it now, Alex wouldn’t be able to catch him.

_ Burden. _

John stood up quickly, making his way to the window. It was small, just large enough he could slip out, but it was also fairly high up, meaning he would have to climb. He huffed, glancing around the room. He could prop himself up on the edge of the tub and swing his leg out, then squeeze himself through. Then it would be a straight shot to Laf’s house to confront him about telling Alex. He went to open the window when Alex’s voice broke through again, this time sounding almost frightened. 

“John, please, say something.”

John paused. He looked around again. This time as he glanced around, memories began to filter in. The countless times he had barricaded himself in the bathroom in a feeble attempt to escape his thoughts, all those breakdowns, or the times like this when even a simple argument went overboard. He looked back at the window, which was pried open only a mere inch, and made his final decision. 

“John,” Alex breathed as John opened the door, eyes cast to the ground.

“M’sorry,” he mumbled, throwing himself into Alex’s arms.

“You gotta stop doing that to me, Jack,” Alex laughed, wrapping his arms snugly around John.

There was a moment of silence between the two while John attempted to gather his thoughts until John heard Alex suck in his breath. 

“The window,” he said, pulling back momentarily as he craned his neck. “Why is it…”

He stopped, looking at John who shamefully kept his eyes on the ground.

“You were going to…”

“I’m sorry, Lex, I really don’t know what came over me,” he said, dropping his shoulders. “It’s just…”

Alex narrowed his eyes. 

“I don’t process emotions like I should, I guess. It’s easier to run away than face them- like I’ve done literally my entire life,” he laughed humorlessly, feeling the wave of shame wash over him again. 

“Let’s just… go to bed, okay?” 

Alex furrowed his brow.

“Are you sure?”

John nodded silently, already making his way back to the room. For the rest of the night, he laid in silence, letting his mind slowly devour him until he finally fell into a restless sleep.

* * *

The first half of the next day had gone by quietly, neither John nor Alex speaking of the events from the night prior. Only the partially opened bathroom window served as a quiet reminder of the unusually explosive argument, a reminder John opted to push to the back of his mind. John had woken that morning to an empty bed and a note Alex had gone to the store, so he busied himself around the house, picking up trash, folding laundry, anything to distract himself. He had been putting away dishes when Alex came in. 

“You’re… cleaning?” Alex asked incredulously, setting down the groceries.

“Yeah.”

“I thought you hated cleaning?”

“I haven’t really been doing much so,” John looked down at a mug in his hands before placing it into the cupboard. “Thought I’d pick up.”

It was true. John had hardly been helping around the house. Before, he didn’t have to worry about it, as Laf was an avid cleaner with an ‘if you want it done right, do it yourself’ type energy. After he and Herc moved out, however, it became increasingly obvious neither he nor Alex was too enthusiastic about household maintenance. 

“John, it’s fine-”

“-it’s not,” he said quickly, earning a look of confusion from Alex, who was putting away canned goods. 

He sighed heavily. The tension in the room hung heavy over the two as John silently noted,  _ he’s still upset.  _

“Laf and Herc are dropping by later, by the way,” Alex said, changing the topic. “Found mold in their basement so some guys are going to clean it while they’re out.”

“Ah,” John nodded. 

There was a moment’s silence before Alex closed the pantry door, sighing heavily. 

“We really need to talk about what happened last night.”

“I know.”

“So are we? Or are we going to let this tension build into another argument?”

_ Oh, it already has, _ John thought bitterly. 

“I know I have a problem, Alex,” John said. “I’ve known it for years, but I can’t do anything about it. Nobody can, so just drop it, alright? Besides…”

“Besides what?”

“No insurance.”

Alex pursed his lips. 

“Oh.”

“I appreciate you're concerned, but just leave it, okay?” He said, turning back to rearrange some more dishes. 

“You know I can’t do that.”

John exhaled quietly. 

“Figured.”

“John,” Alex said in a warning tone. “Not now, this is serious-”

“I’m being serious!” John snapped, not turning around. 

He knew he was crossing the line. It felt as if some lesser part of him screamed from inside, begging him to stop being stubborn and let Alex help him. But the anger was stronger. The anger was always stronger. 

“What’s gotten into you?” 

“Nothing! I’m just sick of being interrogated, alright? Which I’m sure is why Laf and Herc are on their way,” he added, laughing humorlessly. 

“Well so sorry for being worried about you then!” Alex shot back. “Why is it so hard for you to understand that some people actually care about you? Huh?”

“I...”

John cut himself short, realizing in horror the words that were just about to leave his mouth. Much to his dismay, Alex had already pieced it together, judging by the look of silent shock on his face. 

“No…”

“I didn’t say anything,” John defended, but he knew it was far too late. 

“You don’t have to.”

“Listen, I really don’t know what you want me to say-”

“-Uh, should we come back later?”

Both John and Alex’s heads turned, only just then noticing an increasingly uncomfortable Laf and Herc standing in the doorway. John huffed, taking the opportunity to turn back toward the sink. 

“No, come on in,” Alex said. “We were just… chatting.”

“Yeah, chatting,” John mumbled. 

While Alex, Laf, and Herc talked, John seized the opportunity to fetch dish soap from the bathroom. As he did so, however, he caught snippets of conversation, hearing the hushed mention of his name between the three. He paused, leaving the door open a crack to listen.

“Any luck?” He heard Laf ask quietly. There was a moment of silence.

“None,” Alex replied. “He um, said something. Well, didn't flat out say it...”

“What?”

John closed the cupboard, nothing bothering to hear the rest. He went back to doing the dishes, trying everything in his power to drown out whatever questions Laf and Alex asked him. Clinking glasses together, running the water on full blast. Eventually, he could tell Alex was beginning to get annoyed.

“John, you can come in and sit down.”

“Dishes need to be done.”

“John,” Laf said suddenly. “You aren’t on anything are you?”

The question had shocked John so much he nearly dropped a cup he was rinsing. 

“What? No!” He said turning around. “Why is it every time I act anything less than perfectly happy it’s right back to that? I’m starting to think it didn’t even matter I stopped-”

“That’s not what we-” Alex started but John cut him off.

“You do it every time! You guys honestly don’t trust me, and don’t even bother denying it.”

After that, John didn’t bother listening to what they asked. He reacted indifferently to every question, mumbling half-answers or ignoring them altogether. He was being difficult, he knew this, despite that he couldn’t seem to stop himself. 

_ I really have turned into my dad. _

It killed him knowing this. He had spent all his life trying to be anything except his father. Anything except the explosive, hard-hearted man that he grew to loathe, yet the similarities always managed to creep in, one way or another, no matter how hard he tried to fight it. 

“John, listen, I-”

He clinks a glass against a mug.

“I need to-”

He drops the plate into the sink. 

“John turn off that sink right now!”

John slammed the faucet down, whipping around to meet Alex who stood in the doorway of the kitchen. He crossed his arms, leaning against the counter, mustering the nastiest grimace he could manage. 

“I really don’t know what you want me to tell you. I’m not denying anything!”

“John, you know what you’re doing,” Laf said, walking into the kitchen. “You’re getting defensive.”

_ I’m cornered. _

“I am not!”

John paused for a moment, realizing he had just proven Laf’s point. He rolled his eyes and sighed.

“John, you’re acting just like you used to, I thought after a year we would have made some headway.”

_ Oh yeah, he’s pissed. _

The room went silent for a moment as the weight of the words settled. 

“Well, I hate to break it do you,” John spat. “But I’m the same person whether you like it or not.”

“Yeah, obviously you are!”

John stopped for a moment, taken aback at the level of disgust hidden within Alex’s voice. In most cases, Alex would falter, apologizing right after. This time, he maintained the level of anger, staring at John with what he could only describe as pure hatred. 

It was that look that broke him. 

John pushed past him, blinking away tears as he marched to the bedroom. As he reached the door, he heard Alex’s voice, exasperated.

“Why do I even bother with him?”

He slammed the door, pushing his back against it as he slid down miserably. The tears fell heavily, but he didn’t dare make a sound as the voice rattled off in his head, mocking him. 

_ Burden. _

_ Unlovable.  _

He put his head in his hands, trying to steady his breathing. 

_ You finally did it. After all this time, you finally managed to screw it up.  _

John didn’t know how long he had sat there before the first knocks sounded. They were hesitant, barely there as the weak vibrations broke him from his silent musings. He hesitated.

“John, hey, open up… please?” Alex asked quietly. 

He scooched to the side, letting Alex slip in quietly while he kept his eyes fixated on the wall in front of him, afraid if he looked at Alex his worst fears would be confirmed.

“I’m sorry-”

“I’m so sorry-”

Their voices overlapped as they apologized, right at the same moment. Alex chuckled, lifting the heaviness on John’s chest ever so slightly. He exhaled softly, settling next to John on the floor. John moved his eyes back to the ground, feeling the twinges of nostalgia from all their past arguments, all of which coincidentally ended on the floor of their shared bedroom. He felt Alex’s hand move, gently intertwining their pinkies.

“First fight in a… while,” Alex said quietly. 

John half-chuckled. 

“Yeah.”

“You know how much I love you, right?” Alex asked suddenly, looking at John.

John blinked, taken aback at the words that left his boyfriend's mouth. In any other context, it would be more loving, a sweet gesture that they’d mumble to each other in the late hours before falling asleep. Now, it was more of a question, encapsulated by a silent fear in his eyes. 

“How could I forget?” John asked, mustering a smile. 

“Well, it’s true,” Alex said quietly, intertwining his hand with John’s. “I love you so much, and sometimes I…”

Alex faltered, wiping his eyes. 

“Sometimes I don’t feel like I tell you enough.”

“Lex,” John breathed. “Of course you do, every day probably. If anything it’s me that doesn’t tell you.”

He knew Alex wouldn’t want to admit it, but it was true. After John’s mom died, he had found it hard to connect with people. Maybe out of the fear they too would end up leaving, or just the inexperience of maintaining a relationship. Whatever it was, it made for difficulty expressing certain emotions. He loved Alex more than anything but sometimes saying it was ashamedly difficult. 

“You don’t need to. I can see it.”

“You can?”

“Yeah,” Alex smiled. “Most of the time when people argue they don’t get this upset afterward.”

John smiled sheepishly but faltered as his train of thought shifted. 

“I… know I’m difficult, Alex,” he frowned. “I’m so god damn stubborn about everything. I break down under confrontation, and for what? Because I’m afraid to have something be about me?”

“I’m not quite sure I follow.”

John sighed, resting a hand on the back of his neck. 

“It feels selfish.  _ I  _ feel selfish; like everything has to be about me with all this crap. The drugs, then the depression, and now this?”

John stopped himself, taking a moment to realize how absolutely ridiculous everything he said sounded. 

“You aren’t selfish, John. If you were selfish, I don’t think you would’ve been trying to hide, what? All of this from me?”

Alex laughed, shaking his head. 

“You tried so hard to hide your lifestyle from me when we first met, do you remember that?”

John half-smiled, thinking back. 

“And now you’ve been trying to hide the panic attacks, all those nightmares,” he said, his smile fading. “You aren’t selfish. It’s your mind saying you are because your little John brain has some healing to do.”

Alex laughed, tapping the side of John’s head as he said the words, making John inadvertently smile.

“But… PTSD. That’s your thing- I mean- not  _ yours  _ but…” he trailed off, shaking his head. He was a disaster with words. 

“John, nobody can claim an illness,” Alex chuckled. “Believe it or not, it is possible for people to have the same illnesses.”

“I know that but, it feels like I… copied you.”

“John, do you realize just how much you’ve been through?”

John frowned. 

“I mean, not much. As I said, PTSD is for soldiers, really. Not college students like me.”

Alex sighed, resting his head against the back of the door. 

“Abuse, loss, prolonged exposure to violence, being beaten, nearly drowning. You had guns pulled on you, you fought tooth and nail against people trying to  _ kill  _ you for god’s sake! Multiple possible factors right there, and I’m sure that’s only part of it.”

John felt himself sink down at the mention of his attempt. Alex continued.

“Side effects of undiagnosed PTSD range from hostility, irritability, to anxiety, depression, self-destructive tendencies and left long enough, even suicide. That’s just psychological.”

John stared at the ground in front of him. All those things added up, no matter how much he hated admitting it. 

“Chances are it’s a root issue too. Treat this, it might help with everything else. Trust me, I’ve heard from a million different people and I’ve dealt with it first-hand.”

He wrapped an arm around John, scooting closer to him. 

“It’s scary, I know, but I care so much about you, Jack. I don’t want this getting out of hand,” he paused. “I don’t want to lose you.”

John sighed shakily, resting his head onto Alex’s shoulder as he took a moment to process everything. 

“You won’t,” he smiled weakly. “I promise.”

“Does that mean you’ll at least try finding help?” Alex asked hopefully. “I’m sure we can work around the insurance issue, for the time being.”

John had never even considered getting help. Real, professional help for the many issues that didn’t seem like much of an  _ issue.  _ Now with the sleepless nights and the occasional strain on his and Alex’s relationship, he was beginning to see that maybe he would finally have to break down and accept it. 

“If it gets you off my back,” he chuckled, sitting up and lightly shoving Alex. 

“So that’s a yes?” Alex asked, his face lighting up. John laughed. 

“Yes.”

Alex looked at him for a moment before throwing his arms wildly around the other.

“John, I’m so glad,” Alex whispered, squeezing him tightly. “I’m so so so glad, you have no idea…”

“I think I might be getting a vague idea,” John smiled as Alex pulled away.

Alex laughed, cupping John’s cheek. 

“Good.”

John giggled as Alex leaned over, pecking his cheek. He pulled back, maintaining deep eye contact with John. And in those few short seconds, any trace of anger had completely vanished, replaced with an unexplainable warmth. Happiness. 

Love. 

Alex leaned in again, pressing a soft kiss to John’s lips, of which he happily returned, feeling the heaviness of the previous argument dissipate into nothingness.

“Lex?” John murmured against his lips. 

“Hm?” Alex pulled back just slightly, leaving just enough space for their lips to brush together as they spoke. 

“Did we leave Herc and Laf out there?”

“They’ll be fine,” Alex chuckled, “Say, how about we all go out for lunch? My treat?”

“That sounds nice,” John smiled, closing the difference between their lips. 

He always loved the way Alex kissed. It was soft, gentle brushing of the lips, somehow managing to encapsulate every emotion and more. It was a physical embodiment, in a way, of the feelings they never managed to explain. It was especially in these moments John cherished them. The feeling of Alex’s soft breath tickling his, the words they shared in the smallness of the moment that made John giggle like a schoolboy head over heels in love. It reminded him that these moments weren’t just about the kiss, but about the feeling, the indirect way of showing each other a gentle love that went deeper than the words they shared or the burdens they carried. 

“You taste like coffee,” John chuckled, pulling away. Alex grinned, his face flushing ever so slightly. 

“Sorry-”

“No, no,” John said, laughing. “I kinda like it.”

“I thought you didn’t like coffee?”

“It’s an acquired taste.”

Alex laughed, grabbing John’s hands and pulling him to his feet. John laughed too, incredibly relieved at the lightness of his chest and the notion that finally his mind, his fears, had been laid to rest.    


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I come back after months with angst, naturally. BUT- I'm going to shoot for something fluffy again next chapter. I'm torn between a sickfic, and 'scar stories' story where John tells Alex the story behind his scars from doing drug deals over the years. Tell me what you'd prefer! I'll likely do both eventually but which one first is the real question lol. As always, thank you so much for reading! And I'll see you all soon! <3


	8. Not Our Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which bad weather provokes John's scars, so Alex decides to take his mind off things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! So I took your guy's requests and decided to write this. So to the story! I hope you all enjoy!

John huffed, stretching himself out on the couch as he actively fought against the urge to outwardly scream at the top of his lungs. Childish? Likely, but he was willing to try anything to relieve the dull pain spread across his body. It was everywhere; his legs, his hands, his arms, and most notably on his back. He closed his eyes, listening to the soft patter of the rain. He was torn from his moment of tranquility by the opening of the front door. 

“Raining cats and dogs,” Alex grunted, bitterly nudging the door closed. “It was supposed to be over with by now.”

“Mhm,” Was all John could muster as he covered his face with a nearby throw pillow. 

“Scars bothering you again?” 

“A little.”

John felt as Alex sat down next to him

“Where does it hurt?”

John laughed humorlessly, which then turned to a mild grimace as a rather large wound on his back flared up. 

“Everywhere.”

For the past few years, John had suffered from typically mild reactions to adverse weather, brought on by the multitudes of wounds on his body. They ranged from small nail scratches to knife gashes up to six inches in length. All were healed to varying degrees, of course, but still seemed to resuscitate to bad weather.

“Is there anything I can do for it?” Alex offered hopefully. John shrugged.

“You can break both my legs, then maybe that’ll take my mind off it-”

“-Jesus!” 

John laughed as Alex gasped, swatting his leg. 

“Would cream help it at all? Or maybe a heating pad?”

“Maybe? I usually just…”

“Leave it?” Alex finished, cocking an eyebrow. John frowned, slowly sitting up.

“It’s fine. Really.”

“No, it isn’t,” Alex stood up, resting his hand on his hip. “And don’t you dare be difficult about this.”

John put his hand on his hip, sticking his lips out in a pout as he repeated Alex in a mocking voice.

_ “And don’t you dare be difficult about this-” _

Alex scoffed, walking away as John chuckled lightly, quickly turning into a grimace as a series of needle-like pain shot across his skin. He rolled his eyes, sinking back into the couch. When Alex returned, he carried with him a small tube of ointment and a large heated blanket, which considering John hadn’t even been aware there was one in the house, was almost impressive. He glanced from the cream to Alex, frowning. 

“Maybe we should go to the bedroom? It might get on the- _ stop laughing!” _

John held back his laughter as Alex keeled over, a deep laugh (or what was a wheeze) escaping him. Just as John went to laugh, however, yet another wave of pain crept across his shoulders, causing an inadvertent wince. Alex’s laughter died down quickly.

“Right, right. Here, let me.”

John laughed as Alex offered his hand. Though they had been dating for nearly a year, he found the small, awkward gestures endearing. Especially in moments like this, as Alex held out his hand, eyes cast bashfully to the ground. John smiled, accepting the offer. 

“So I was thinking,” Alex said as they made their way to the room. “What about a movie later?”

“That’s your answer to everything,” John laughed. “A movie.”

John sat down heavily on the bed, crossing his legs under him as Alex sat next to him. 

“Shirt please.”

John blinked, feeling an unmistakable rush of nostalgia come across him. Alex seemed to have remembered to, as he chuckled breathlessly. 

“It’s been... a while,” he said, sitting back. 

“Yeah,” John agreed, slipping off his shirt. “I’m just glad that’s all over with.”

John sucked in his breath as the cool air brushed against his exposed chest and back, rekindling the pins and needles.

“Sort of.”

He waited a moment for a response from Alex but was only met with an unnatural silence. He turned around, meeting Alex’s eyes, of which had grown somber. 

“I forgot how bad it was,” he breathed. 

John frowned. He hadn’t seen his back scarring recently, it wasn’t something he typically enjoyed looking at. The last Alex had only seen them, they were covered up with fresh wounds. And considering how self-conscious he was about them, Alex hardly saw him without his shirt.

“Jesus, what was this one from?” 

He subconsciously shivered as Alex softly dragged his finger down a line on John’s back. He recognized the location, as it was probably one of the largest wounds he had.

“Knife,” John smiled reminiscently. “Learned one of my biggest lessons that night.”

“And what’s that?”

“Don’t bring a knife to a drug deal,” he chuckled. “People automatically assume you’ll use it to steal or cheat them, and won’t hesitate to defend themselves.”

“Did they have a knife too then?”

“No. They took mine and attacked me with it.”

John laughed to himself, saying it out loud sounded almost insane. The wound could have been spared some of its size, had John not waited to get it looked at. It became infected and caused him possibly some of the worst pain he’d felt up until that point. He wasn’t found out until Herc went to pat him on the back, hitting the wound directly, and let's just say it was hard to hide at that point.

“What about all these small circular ones?”

“I thought we were here to put pain cream on them?” John laughed. 

“Yeah- yeah sorry, I didn’t mean to get nosey,” Alex said quickly, twisting off the cap. 

“I’m just messing, Lex.”

John sucked in his breath as Alex dabbed a small amount of the cream to his back. 

“Cold?” Alex chuckled, beginning to gently rub it in. 

“I think I still expect the rubbing alcohol,” John admitted, relaxing his shoulders. “If uh, if you still want to hear about the circle scars I’m fine with saying.”

“I do, actually. What on earth could have possibly made those?”

“Don’t laugh.. but... an elderly lady with a bb gun and impeccable aim.”

_ “You’re kidding.” _

John burst out laughing. 

“I wish I was. Some lady busted us mid-deal, and instead of calling the cops, she decided to target practice. Kind of shitty now that I think about it, but at the time all I was thinking was ‘wow, how does she keep hitting me, oh my god this hurts’.”

“That sounds truly horrendous, yet hilarious.”

“I’m just glad she didn’t aim for my head!”

The two laughed, letting a small moment of silence file between them. As Alex worked in the cream, he used the opportunity to also gently massage the areas around the scars. Much to John’s surprise, it seemed to alleviate a lot of the discomfort. 

“I read up on this a few weeks back,” Alex explained, almost reading John’s mind. “Massaging the tissue that's inflamed helps a lot with pain.”

John smiled to himself. 

“What did I possibly do to deserve you?”

“Well, you didn’t ignore me at the party for starters.”

“You still remember that?” John laughed. “God, it feels like centuries ago.”

“Tell me about it. Hey, what are these scars from?”

He felt Alex land a finger on the area right around the back of his left shoulder. John frowned in thought. 

“If you’re talking about the weird shaped ones, those are probably from a bottle.”

“Bottle?”

“I fell into a broken glass bottle after partying all night,” John chuckled. “Well, more like I fell off the porch and onto the bottle but-”

“And this one?”

“You’ll have to give me more information than that, Alex.”

“It’s like… square? With two more squares in it?”

_ Belt buckle.  _ John remembered bitterly.  _ Knew that one would leave a mark.  _

“Buckle off of my dad's belt,” he said, lowering his voice. 

“Oh,” Alex said quietly, then quickly changed the subject. “Well… what made this one?”

Alex touched a mark on John’s side, to which he nearly jumped out of his skin. 

“I’m not going to tickle you,” Alex said, laughing. 

John crossed his arms, smiling. 

“That’s what you always say. That one was from a bullet.”

He felt the weight on the bed shift as Alex sat back. He was quiet for a moment, then whispered,

“Like, an actual gun?”

“Closest call I ever had, just grazed me on the side. That was a long time ago, though.”

There was another long silence before John turned to Alex. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” he said, resting his hand on top of Alex’s. “It was years ago.”

“It’s still just… scary to think how many times you came close to…” 

Alex cleared his throat, quickly wiping his face with his sleeve. 

“You know.”

John looked down for a moment in thought. Though it never felt like it, he cheated death more times than he could count. Even when he tried, he never managed to get a hold of the thing he had wished so long for. He’d been shot at, beaten, drugged (against his will, mind you) and thrown into countless perilous situations that he should never have been able to walk away from. Then, he would curse the universe for what he considered the most unfair existence. Looking back on it, however, he realized just how lucky he was. 

“According to how I lived my life,” he began slowly. “I shouldn’t be alive. I’ve had so many near-death experiences, I began to lose count. And to think, I threw myself into that lifestyle with no regard for my life? Of course, I shouldn’t be alive.”

Alex furrowed his brow, frowning deeply as John sighed. 

“I always used to ask why. Why I was still alive, why, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t just…”

“Die,” Alex finished, looking up. John nodded.

“I’m not one to believe in all that soul-mate junk, the notion that there’s a perfect person somewhere out in the universe that fate will lead you to. But-”

“But?” Alex laughed, raising an eyebrow. 

“But,” John continued. “Maybe there was a reason I didn’t die all those years ago. I thought for sure it was the universe playing a cruel joke on me, but as I think more about it…”

John laughed seeing the anticipation on Alex’s face. 

“Maybe it was keeping me around because it was sending a certain somebody my way.”

He finished, poking Alex’s shoulder playfully. 

“So you  _ do _ believe in soul mates,” Alex grinned, poking him back. 

“Now, I didn’t say that.”

“Mhmm…”

As John went to poke Alex back, Alex suddenly grabbed his arm, yanking him toward himself. The two laughed as John topped over Alex, causing the two to fall over onto the bed. Accepting the defeat, John laid his head on top of Alex’s chest. 

“How are the scars feeling?” Alex asked after a while. 

“Better,” John replied, smiling. “Thank you.”

“You act like I had to go out of my way.”

“Doesn’t mean I still can’t be thankful,” John laughed, lightly dragging his finger across the fabric of Alex’s shirt. 

Alex laughed lightly. 

“So you never did tell me…”

“Hmm?” 

“Do you believe in soulmates?”

John raised an eyebrow, resting his chin on top of Alex’s chest to meet his eyes. 

“Why? Do you?”

“I used to, a long time ago,” he began. “There was always something comforting about the fact that somewhere you have a second half. That no matter what somehow you’ll end up together- it made me feel a little less lost.”

John nodded quietly as Alex continued. 

“After going through God knows how many failed relationships, I was convinced I was cursed,” he laughed. “And that soulmates were a scam and I was destined to die alone.”

“I really hope there’s a but-”

“ _ I’m getting to it.  _ But,” he laughed, drawing out the ‘but’. “After we met I can’t help but wonder if there really was some truth to it after all.”

_ How is he this good with words? _ John thought astonishedly. He shook his head, smiling and possibly a bit red. 

“Maybe the universe knew what it was doing after all, huh?”

“I wonder if it’s like a reincarnation thing- like we were in love in a past life-”

“Okay now we’re getting a bit unrealistic,” John laughed, sitting up. Alex laughed too. 

“Yeah, you’re right. Besides, I wouldn’t last a day in my past life.”

“Oh yeah? What makes you say that?” John asked, slipping his shirt back on. 

“I don’t know, I just feel like my impulsiveness would be an issue. That, and my weak-ass immune system. One cold back then and I’m gone.”

John laughed, pulling Alex to his feet. 

“Well lucky for us we live in the present, which just so happens to have the greatest combo known to man.”

“Which is?”

“Movies and popcorn!”

Alex scoffed as the two walked out into the kitchen.

“Up to debate-”

“-oh, everything’s up to debate for you.”

“Except for one thing.”

“And what’s that?”

Alex stopped suddenly, turning to John as he gently wrapped his arms around his waist, leaning in. He stopped, close enough that John could feel his breath on his face. 

“That buttered popcorn is better-”

“Alex-!”

Alex laughed, pulling John the rest of the way in. 

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” he chuckled. 

“Hey, the rain is letting up,” John noted, peering over Alex’s shoulder. 

“Thank god.”

“Though,” John said, resting his chin atop Alex's shoulder. “A back massage would still be much appreciated.”

Alex pulled back, placing a soft kiss on John’s lips.

“I’ll consider it under one condition.”

“You want to pop the buttered popcorn, don’t you?”

“Pretty please,” Alex said, jutting out his bottom lip. John laughed.

“Fine, fine.”

While Alex made the popcorn, John sat on the couch, placidly watching the soft rainfall outside. He realized that amid the chaos that had ensued, any discomfort he had felt earlier was erased. He sat back, smiling to himself. 

Alex always was good at taking his mind off of things. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shamelessly breaks the fourth wall, because I'm cool and quirky like that. Also, I don't know how the discord that Alex likes buttered popcorn and John likes plain came to be, but it feels like a very fitting trademark of their relationship, so we're going to go with it now. I really want popcorn now omg-


	9. Cabin Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John and Alex go out for a night walk to combat their summer boredom.

_7 o'clock... 8 o'clock... 9 o'clock..._

John sighed heavily, watching as the hours ticked by, his only amusement the occasional groan or grumble from Alex, who sat at his desk engrossed in work.

In short, a typical Friday evening in the Hamilton-Laurens household. 

Once 11 o'clock came and went with no sign of change, he eventually decided to pester the other.

"Leeeeex," he whined, wrapping his arms around Alex from behind.

"Jooooohn."

"C'mon, let's do something. Go out, go to Laf and Herc's, _anything."_

"They took the car to the repair shop," Alex said, still typing away on his computer. "Besides, it's late. Everything is closing."

"I'm sure not everything is closed-"

Alex spun in his chair, meeting John's gaze with an amused smirk.

"I thought you hated going out?"

John frowned, plopping heavily onto the couch.

"I do, but I hate staying inside all the time more."

With summer in full swing, and classes finally over, the group of four were left to their own devices for the remaining months. Alex opted into a few summer classes (to which John remarked 'what sane person does school over the summer?'), while John slipped in whatever part-time work he could find. Mowing, gardening, raking leaves, even walking dogs just to make up for the money he had wasted throughout his college career. 

"I really need to finish up these assignments," Alex said. "Online classes are basically made up of these stupid papers."

"Please?" John frowned and stuck out his bottom lip in what was possibly the most pathetic attempt at getting Alex to comply.

"That's hot," Alex laughed. "Post that one all over the internet."

"Hardy har-har," John chuckled, rolling his eyes. "You aren't giving me an answer."

"Can't we wait until morning? Oh wait, you don't wake up until 1 PM-"

"-What happened to you being spontaneous?" John challenged, crossing his arms. "C'mon, all you do is work."

Alex sat back in his chair, lowering his eyebrows in a look of contemplation. "Alright."

"Alright?"

Alex sprang up, waiting across the room like a man on a mission. 

"You want spontaneous, let's be spontaneous," he said, slipping on his sneakers.

"So just like that?" John sprang from the couch as well, feeling an unmistakable burst of excitement- the first in a while. "Where are we going then?"

"Anywhere," Alex said, tossing a flashlight to John. "The night is ours for the taking."

* * *

The night air was still, heavy with summer humidity that felt as though someone had suspended the sea into the sky and painted it black. John yawned, airing out the front of his t-shirt which already had begun to cling to him.

"So where are we going exactly?"

"No idea."

"So we're out here without a plan then?" John side-eyed Alex, who kept his face in an unreadable expression. If he were to call it anything, however, it could pass as something of determination. 

"Listen, you said you wanted spontaneous-"

"I know, I know." John chuckled, gazing wistfully up at the orange street lights hanging above them.

Handfuls of memories flashed behind his eyes as he passed under the glow, fading snippets of time that seemed to grow and dissolve just as quickly as the light faded into darkness. Alex's voice pierced the remainder of these snippets until they once again slinked into the darkness the emerged, John forgetting he had even thought of them. 

"You know this town better than me," Alex said. "Anywhere you want to go I'll follow."

John stopped, crossing his arms in thought. Though he did knew the city fairly well, it was by streets and alleyways more than anything. As he pondered, he mindlessly reached into his pocket for a cigarette, only to be stopped by Alex's hand lightly clasping his wrist.

"Ah, ah."

John huffed.

"Oh come on-"

"-Those things will kill you and you know it. Besides..."

Alex gestured down the street in front of them to a pair of headlights, of which stalked threateningly just off the road. John stared for a moment in horror, a familiar dread washing over him.

"Hey, don't worry about it," Alex laughed. "We aren't doing anything illegal."

"But still," John frowned, trying to shake the feeling of uneasiness. "Let's just avoid them."

The two detoured, cutting through the heart of their campus. Though most students had opted to go home for the summer, a fair number of them stayed around either in dorms or apartments. Despite this, the campus was next to empty- unnerving compared to the usual bustle.

"What are those lights over there?" Alex asked, John following the line of which he pointed.

"The... stadium?" John raised his eyebrows, recognizing the lights. "Why are those on?"

"We have a stadium?"

"You're kidding, right?"

Alex turned to John, his face giving him his answer.

"Right, you're always 'too busy' to go to games," John laughed, poking Alex with his elbow. Alex scoffed, shoving his arm away.

"I just don't see the point in them. You come to college for an education, why waste your time doing something that doesn't get you anything?"

"Because it's fun for some people, and unlike you, a lot of people don't enjoy working 24/7, hm?"

"Yeah, but-"

"And some of us didn't get a choice to come here."

Alex sighed defeatedly.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

They walked, John taking the lead as they meandered to the field. At first, he was afraid they would be busted for trespassing, especially in the case they had jumped the fence to get in, but incredibly, the gate entrance was wide open. The two stopped in front of the open gate hesitantly.

"It's just... open?" Alex asked. 

John narrowed his eyes, peering into the field area for a hint of movement or sound.

"There was never a rule saying we can't go in."

"Do they keep it open for runners you think?"

John slowly passed through the gate. He half-expected some sort of alarm to trip, or for there to be some sort of invisible wire but was only met with the crunch of stone beneath his feet as he walked.

"I guess so."

Fond memories trickled in again one by one as they made their way into the open area. The harsh glow of the lights, the open sky from above the field. The stadium wasn't massive by any means; just a small outdoor area that hosted smaller events like career fairs, track meets, and marching competitions, but it was endearing in its own kind of way. John's breath caught in his throat as he stepped onto the rubber track, the sensation familiar underneath his feet. 

"This is pretty cool," Alex walked up beside him, tearing him from his thoughts. "Looks old, too."

The stadium itself was made up of old wood, painted school colors, and repainted thereafter every five years. Though it wasn't as old as the school, it still showed its age.

"It still looks the same," John smiled.

"Hm? What do you mean?"

"I never told you, but uh," John crossed his arms awkwardly. "I used to do track in high school, and a little into college."

"Really? You? Did a sport?" Alex asked incredulously, a shocked smile spread across his face.

"Why do you sound so surprised?" John asked jokingly, which backfired as Alex looked to the ground shamefully.

"Not like that, I mean- I don't know. I never really expected you would be involved like that."

"Believe it or not, I did have hobbies back then." 

John sighed. "I loved running, it was one of my favorite things."

"Why'd you stop?"

John knitted his brows, squatting down as he ran his hand across the surface of the track.

"Started skipping practices in favor of drinking, smoking- all that crap. Eventually, I stopped showing up for meets, and next semester they booted me off the team."

"Next semester? Why wait so long?"

John chuckled.

"They didn't want to let me go. Coaches basically begged me to come back. According to them, I was their 'top runner'- but I don't know how true that was."

Recognition flashed in Alex's eyes as he seemingly put two and two together. 

"I thought I remembered seeing trophies and medals in your room when we went back and salvaged."

John smiled a bit to himself as Alex continued.

"You should rejoin, John, if you liked it so much."

His shoulders slumped. "I don't know..."

"Why not? It's your senior year, you're clean, you're healthy. What's stopping you?"

"I haven't run in so long, Lex," John said, standing. "God knows if I'm any good anymore."

Alex went quiet for a moment, dragging his finger lightly across his chin in thought. 

"Well, how about a wager then?"

John raised an eyebrow.

"I'm listening."

"We race, you beat me and you join track this fall. I win: we get coffee in the morning-"

"That's not-"

"Deal?"

John sighed as Alex held out a hand. As much as he hated to admit it, the thought of rejoining the track team excited him and any excuse to go back he would accept in a heartbeat. He grasped Alex's hand firmly.

"Deal. Can I stretch at least so I don't blow a muscle?"

"Suit yourself."

While John stretched, he had to laugh at the sheer amount of surprise Alex continued to give him that he had even been somewhat athletic.

"So how long have you ran for?"

"God," John sat back, blinking. "Since middle school. Probably eight, nine years?"

"And just for fun?"

"Believe it or not, running is a great way to clear your head. Helped when things were bad at home."

"So you just... stopped altogether then?"

"Well, no." John folded his leg. tucking I still squeezed it in. On my way to deals sometimes I'd jog, to parties or just take a run around town if I was bored. I had to stop that after some time though."

Alex cocked his head.

"How come?"

"I started collapsing during runs," John shrugged. "First time I had started to see the physical effects of my actions. It sucked but... not enough to make me stop."

He still remembered the first time it had happened. He had gone out on a rather long-winded deal and grew restless from standing in the same place. Though he felt fine jogging back, for the most part, he ended up waking on the side of the road to a group of strangers huddled around him. The night itself ended up becoming a blur- possible due to a mild concussion.

"Did you ever tell anyone?"

John looked up, grinning sheepishly at Alex as he re-tied his laces. Alex gasped lightly.

"John-!"

"It was a long time ago, Alex," John chuckled, springing up. "I'm here now, I'm fine, now, are we going to race or what?"

"Fine, fine. Get ready to lose."

"I think I should be saying the same to you. Alright, on your marks,"

The two bent down.

"Get set..."

"Go!" Alex shouted suddenly, bounding forward. 

John's legs moved almost automatically beneath him, taking off after Alex who had grasped the unfair advantage. "Hey! No fair!"

He watched Alex glance behind him, yelping as the gap between quickly began to close. John laughed, feeling the warm night air brush across his face with each step. 

"John- wait up!"

_Wait, had I already passed him?_

John slowed to a stop upon hearing Alex's distant voice, and when he turned he was met with his boyfriend doubled over halfway down the track. Of course, his first instinct _should have_ been concern, but he couldn't help but giggle as Alex toppled over dramatically.

"What the _FUCK_ is this?" He grumbled, hugging his side.

John jogged up to him, kneeling down.

"Are you good?" John chuckled.

"John I'm dying," Alex panted. "This is it for me."

"It's just a side stitch-"

"-A _what?"_

John sat back.

"That's why you stretch before you run. Just take some deep breaths and you'll be fine."

"You're fast," Alex said, inhaling deeply. "Like, really fast."

"Nah-"

Alex cut him off, clambering unsteadily to his feet.

"-You are. I bet you'll get even faster once you join again."

John paused, realizing he did, in fact, beat Alex. Yet, he couldn't help but wonder, had Alex forfeited the race purposefully?

"I'll think about it."

Once Alex no longer had himself convinced he was dying, the two walked the rest of the way across the track to the stands, which were also completely open.

"Looks like we're alone," Alex noted, shining his flashlight into the darkness. "Though, who else would be at a sports stadium at one in the morning in the middle of July?"

John shoved his hands into his pockets, the air beginning to grow a chill as a breeze swept in.

"Homeless people," He began. "Hooligans, really weird couples-"

"Okay okay I get it," Alex laughed, tucking the flashlight back into his pocket. "Let's go up to the top."

"Alright, but keep your flashlight off. I don't know if we're allowed in here or not-"

"Oh, you worry too much, John."

As they climbed the stairs, John couldn't help but gaze out over the railing. The stadium hosted a gorgeous view of the city off the back, and off to the side a clear shot of campus. During the fall, the team would sometimes vote for evening practices for not only the cooler air, but for the incredible sunsets. 

"Holy-"

Alex peered wide-eyed out the back, which was a 2, maybe 3-foot opening covered with cross-stitch wiring. John settled next to him, resting his forearms on the ledge.

"Wow," Alex breathed. "I've never seen the city at night like this."

"Pretty cool, right?"

"More than cool," he breathed. "It's so quiet."

John hummed, resting his chin on his arms. The only sounds to be heard were the occasional car or clanking of machinery from a nearby factory. Sure, New York was the city that never sleeps, but outside the bustling cities, things grew rather still. They sat there in silence for a while, looking over the glowing city when a sudden sound tore them away. John's heart nearly stopped as a machine-like squeak echoed below them on the empty field

"Sprinklers," Alex grabbed his chest. "Forgot about those."

John laughed, an idea suddenly popping into his head.

"Hey, what if we-"

Before he had the chance to respond, Alex had already sprung up and began dashing down the steps. John laughed, trailing behind him.

"Catch me if you can!"

"Oh, I can!"

The two bounded back into the field, a child-like playfulness taking over as they laughed. John, of course, had no problem catching up to Alex- despite the cold water spraying him and the slippery grass threatening to send him tumbling at any moment.

"Gotcha!"

He reached out, wrapping his hands snuggly around Alex's waist as the two were sent rolling into the grass, laughing and gasping for air. John rolled onto his back, letting the misting rain fall down on him.

"Oh god, I'm soaked," Alex held out his arms from his spot in the grass, his wet shirt clinging to him.

John chuckled, grabbing his shirt which already was soaking wet. "I don't think we planned this all the way through."

"Well, that's what being spontaneous is-"

"No, dummy," John lightly shoved Alex's shoulder. "I mean now we have to walk all the way home dripping wet."

"You wanted to come out here," Alex chuckled, shoving him back.

John put his hand on Alex's chest, pushing him backward. He laughed amusedly as Alex toppled over.

"Yeah, but you ran before I finished asking, Smarts."

"Yeah?"

Alex sat up suddenly and grabbed John's wrists, painstakingly wrestling him to the ground until he had him pinned. He swung his leg over him, straddling his waist.

"Not so tough now," Alex laughed, pressing John's hands into the damp grass.

John scrunched up his face and stuck out his tongue at the other, which was immediately met with a sloppy kiss from Alex.

"Ack! Alex, you got grass in my mouth you jerk!" John gagged, trying to spit it out. Alex cackled.

"Oh, you poor baby-" 

Alex watched, laughing as John desperately tried to rid the grass from his mouth, which soon proved to be immensely difficult without hands. As he did this, however, he managed to become preoccupied enough to where he hadn't realized Alex was sitting directly on him. 

"Alex maybe we shouldn't be doing this out here," he said, hushing his voice. "People might get the wrong idea."

Alex leaned down with a smirk, droplets of water falling from his hair onto John's face. He held his breath.

"Then let's give them the right idea," he said lowly.

Before John had the chance to respond (which likely would have been with either a string of stutters or something completely idiotic in general), the overhead lights shut off with a loud _thunk!_ Leaving the two in complete darkness.

"We should probably go," John said, rolling Alex off of him as he sat up.

"Why?" Alex asked, sounding more disappointed than anything.

John frantically brushed the grass from his shorts and shirt.

"Because these lights only have manual switches."

"Oh shit-"

John grabbed Alex's hand quickly, the two dashing off the field as John practically dragged Alex behind him.

"Slow down!" Alex gasped, barely catching his footing over the loose gravel.

After a few minutes of dead sprinting and Alexander complaining, the two slowed to a stop on the nearby street corner- the darkness a welcomed shield

"I think," John panted, propping himself on the tops of his legs as he leaned over. "We're safe."

The two stood in silence as they caught their breath- that is, until Alex began to chuckle.

"What's so funny?" John narrowed his eyes at the oddly gleeful Alex.

"Two guys playing in the sprinklers at a sports stadium at one in the morning," Alex shook his head. "What a sight."

John chuckled now, finally having caught his breath.

"Yeah? Yeah, I guess that is pretty weird."

"But you know what's weirder?"

"What?"

Alex grabbed the hem of his shirt and squeezed, producing an almost impressive amount of water.

"The way we'll look walking home at 2 AM soaking wet."

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Laf pinched the bridge of his nose, scrunching up his face. "You went out at 11 PM, walked _all the way_ to the stadium, played in the sprinklers, and then walked _all the way_ home?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," John grumbled underneath his blanket, Alex beside him.

"And now you want me to get you cold medicine because you both got sick, yes?"

John frowned as Alex blew his nose for what was probably the 70th time that hour.

"Uh... yes?"

"Unbelievable."

"On the bright side," Alex chimed in stuffedly. "John is rejoining the track team this year!"

"Now I didn't-"

"Really?" Laf asked, his face lighting up. John bit his lip.

"Yeah," he grinned awkwardly, crossing his legs beneath him. "If all goes well, I'm going to talk to Coach tonight.

"That's wonderful!" Laf exclaimed, going in for a hug. He stopped short, however, as Alex sniffled.

"Right. Sick. I'll go fetch you two some medicine. Looks like you aren't going anywhere for a while."

John groaned.

"Saw that one coming."

"I blame you for this," Alex grumbled as Laf left. John scoffed, wrapping his blanket tighter around him.

"You agreed to it!"

"Yeah, after you called me _boring._ Now, look at us!"

John raised his eyebrows.

"You should be happy, didn't you want to stay at home?"

Alex pursed his lips in thought.

"Well, not necessarily..."

"What do you mean?"

"That was kinda fun," he smiled, looking down at his lap. "Sick or not, uh... I'm glad you took me."

John grinned, scooching closer to Alex.

"I had fun too. And hey, maybe being cooped up won't be too bad."

"Yeah? How so?"

"Well," John paused thoughtfully. "You're sick so you can't do work, but I'm sick too, so we don't have to avoid each other. So that means..."

John moved, placing a peck on Alex's cheek before settling down close next to him.

"More time for this."

John felt as Alex sunk into the couch, wrapping a hand around his shoulders.

"Can't argue with that logic. And hey, if we get bored enough we can always go on another walk-"

Alex was cut off by John sneezing, to which he hastily added.

"Or not."

The two laughed and talked for a while until eventually the mixture of sickness and tiredness won out, and they fell asleep. It wasn't until they woke the next morning, however, that they found a bottle of cough syrup on the countertop, along with a note that made the two chuckle.

_You both were asleep when I came back, so I left the medicine here. Please don't play in the sprinklers again, traffic was horrible and I almost ran out of gas._

_~Laf_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello there! It is I with another update! So this is semi-based on true events. A friend and I went on a walk at 1 AM and went to the football field. Also, props if you catch the reference to my now-legacy, GayFrown, which I did NOT expect to catch on as it did. Also yes I know Alex is a spicy little bastard but that made me laugh so I kept it. I wrote this at 3 AM yesterday, and now it's the next day and I spent an hour and a half basically rewriting it because it was so bad lol. Anywho, I hope you enjoyed it! If you did, leave some comments and kudos and tell me what you'd like to see next! 


	10. Cher Ami, Cher Ami

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alex and John go through old polaroids, and questions come up about John and Laf's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is art that goes along with this story! Feel free to check it out on my Instagram @a_random_voyager!
> 
> TW! This chapter alludes to John's suicide attempt and past suicidal ideation multiple times. If you are sensitive to this, please do not read. Take care your yourselves! <3

"Wait, Laf dropped off _what?_ "

John stared wide-eyed at the feeble brown box in Alex's hands, the words _photos_ scribbled unsteadily in sharpie on the side.

"He said it was a box of polaroids, he couldn't stay long enough to tell me what of, though," Alex frowned, setting down as he placed the box gingerly in his lap.

"If they're what I think they are," John said, tucking his legs underneath him. "Then they're from my freshman year." 

John chuckled as a look of realization dawned on Alexander's face, accompanied by a wave of giddiness- likely to see what John truly had been like back then. He handed the box to John, nearly bouncing off the couch in anticipation.

"Well let's open it up!"

"Hold your horses."

John couldn't help but smile, it had been years since he'd seen the pictures. When he and Laf shared a dorm their freshman year, Laf carried around an old polaroid camera, taking pictures whenever he saw fit. Unsurprisingly, he saw it fit quite often, which made for many, many photos. He lifted the flap slowly, taking a breath.

"Holy shit-"

Alex gawked at the number of pictures in the box, nearly overflowing with film.

"Don't get too excited," John held a photo gently between his fingers. "A lot of these are duds."

He showed Alex the photo- of which was a dark brown screen with light leaking from the upper right corner. He tossed it gently on the coffee table.

"That's what most of these are. Laf hated throwing them out."

The two sifted through photos, tossing aside ones that had never developed or were impossible to distinguish. Once they finally began to hit the good photos, however, Alex wasted no time picking them out.

"Oh my god look at you!" He cooed, gazing at the photo. John shook his head, laughing.

"I'm afraid to ask."

When Alex finally parted with the photo, John was surprised to see a photo of him and Laf, very early into their freshman year. He smiled, remembering the day well.

"That was our first track meet," he held it up to the light. "Coach took that picture for us."

John gazed at the picture, a bright young Laf and John grinning wildly back at him. The two were perched on a rock, John essentially sitting on top of the other while he held up a peace sign.

"Is Laf wearing a bow?"

"It was a headband," John chuckled, setting the picture down. "Back then his hair was short enough he got flyaways to the moon and back."

"I never knew he did track too," Alex said, picking out more photos. "He's never mentioned it."

"After I got booted he quit. Until then we had done track for years, so I was surprised he let it go so quickly."

He reached into the box, fishing out yet another photo- this one with words written on it.

"Oh my god-"

John put a hand to his mouth, feeling a lump form in his throat at the sight of the photograph. Alex frowned.

"This was the first one we took," John said softly. "Our first day of college."

He set it down between them, smiling fondly at the photo. In it, another pair of beaming faces, both squished together in an attempt to fit both of them in the photo. The bottom read a simple: 

_First day!_

John sat back, feeling a rush of what he could only call bittersweetness. It was strange to see him, clean, healthy, relatively happy, and not having a care in the world. To see himself so _hopeful,_ especially knowing what he knew now, and what he had gone through mere months later.

"You look so happy," Alex half-smiled. "Look, your hair used to barely fit into a ponytail."

John nodded, smiling lightly. Before they could move on, however, Alex sat back thoughtfully. 

"I... um," he began awkwardly. "I knew you two had been friends, but I didn't know you guys had been _that_ good of friends- not that that's bad or anything," he added hastily. "It's just..."

"Weird to think about?" John finished. "I know. It surprises me too sometimes."

"You guys were close friends then?" Alex confirmed. "Before all this happened?"

John looked down.

"Closer than that. He was my brother."

Alex knitted his brows, looking back down at the photo. John could see what was on his mind, what he wanted to ask. He had been curious about it for a while, no doubt. He would slip in various questions at random points in time- nothing too intrusive- just simple asks like: "So when did you and Laf meet?" or "Has he always been that tall, then?" He knew he was curious, anyone in their right mind would be, but John found it difficult to talk about without inevitably breaking down. Much like what was happening now.

"Forgive me for asking, and please stop me if I'm being nosey but..." Alex sighed. "What happened?"

John gently moved the box off the couch, trying desperately to come up with the words to express just what had gone wrong. He fell short.

"I-I don't know if I'm being honest," he laughed humorlessly. "A lot? I guess?"

"Start from the first day," Alex offered. "Go from there."

John sighed deeply, then did whatever he could to recall the events following day one of college to present. He and Laf were inseparable in the day, best friends, told each other everything- a shoulder to cry for one another any day of the week. Heck, they almost dated at one point.

"Wait, _dated_?" Alex gasped.

"We probably would have had it not been for me being so weird about everything. In the long run, we both knew it would be best for our friendship so we left it at that."

"Wow," Alex laughed. "How do you 'almost' date your best friend?"

"It's a lot easier than you might think," John set his chin in his hand. "You get close enough things like laying on the couch together, sleeping in the same bed when it gets cold enough, sharing clothes- it feels like the norm. It's a fine line."

Alex laughed a bit, likely remembering when they had done many of those things 'just as friends'.

"I would have never guessed."

Though the comment was meant to be light-hearted, John felt a small pang in his chest at the words. _I would have never guessed._ Never have guessed he and Laf were each other's other halves. Which in itself could hold some truth to it, considering how long after their fall out left him feeling empty- like he was missing a part of himself.

"He was there for me longer than anyone ever had been," John said, looking down. "When things got rough, I could always tell him what was wrong and he'd listen."

"But things changed," Alex noted.

"I'd always been 'depressed'," John put fake quotations in the air. "But it was never anything too debilitating, you know? Not constant, I had a lot of good days. Later my freshman year things started to deteriorate."

"What do you mean?"

"Stress," John laughed. "Developing bad habits- nothing like it would become but things like sleeping and eating too much or too little, skipping classes. He got worried, and at first, I told him things."

John laughed humorlessly.

"It was so constant at that point I started to overthink. Worrying I was telling him too much, that I was stressing him out with my problems and I was becoming more of a burden than a friend."

Alex nodded vacantly, and John only wished at that moment he could know what was going through his head. He continued.

"Things got harder to explain anyway, sometimes I'd just be sad for no reason and you can't exactly explain that. I still told him some things, I mean, he was my only friend so of course I couldn't help it- whether I wanted to or not."

"What was the cutoff point, then?" Alex asked. "Like when you stopped completely?"

"I think when the nightlife started if I'm being honest. Maybe before, I don't remember," John shrugged. "The more I seemed to open up the worse I felt and eventually I had it ingrained into my head that not saying anything would be the best for everyone."

"But it isn't," Alex nodded. "It makes it worse."

Alex sighed.

"I struggled with that exact thing for many, many years, John. I know exactly how you felt." He laughed. "You want to tell someone, you want to open up, but when you do you're convinced you're a burden and that your problems are making them feel worse so you stop. And at first, you think it's a genius solution, that you can handle your problems just fine."

"But you can't," John finished. "And they'll pile up until you either break, overshare and hate yourself more or find some other way to deal with things."

"Exactly."

"Wait- when did you deal with that?" John asked suddenly.

"Middle and high school," Alex chuckled. John frowned.

"How did you... you know... stop?"

"Therapy-"

"-Of course."

Alex huffed, crossing his arms.

"I know you hate the idea, but it really does help as long as you're open to it," Alex said. "As I've said how many times now?"

"Plenty," John sighed, rubbing the back of his head. Alex frowned.

"So when you cut him off completely, what happened then?" He asked, changing the subject.

John silently rejoiced at the shift of conversation, until quickly realizing what was about to come.

"He noticed right off the bat. I think at first he tried giving me space, but that didn't last very long," he laughed. "He started prodding, trying to ask what was wrong, if it was something he did, where I was going, what I was doing and why I always had so many cuts and bruises."

He went on to explain the full dynamic. Once his nightlife began to pick up, Laf was next-to horrified at his condition. Any sane person would be. He had very different ways of expressing his concern, however, a way that never sat well with John due to past experience.

"He got mad," Alex said. "Like he does now?"

"His worst habit," John rested his head into the back of the couch. "He was scared, which manifested into yelling, sometimes he'd hit walls if he got worked up enough. But you can imagine how well that went over with me."

"Because of your...?"

John nodded.

"If you think I was defensive when you first knew me, you would be sorely surprised at what I was back then. One of two things happens when people raise their voices at me. I yell back immediately or I panic."

"Fight or flight."

"Exactly."

"So you usually chose fight, I take it?"

"Most of the time, yeah," John laughed. "If I was really tired or out of it, sometimes I'd just burst into tears, which always caught Laf off guard."

Alex chuckled a bit, which alleviated at least some of the tense mood that had built up.

"He seemed to catch on that wasn't working, and stopped trying to confront me for the most part. And for a while, I thought he'd finally had enough of me."

John swallowed, trying to push back the lump forming in the base of his throat. Alex reached out, running his hand up and down John's arm in reassurance. He took a breath and continued.

"After what happened at the river, that's when I started noticing the little things he was doing."

"Like what?"

"When I'd go out, he'd always be up watching TV or something. Back then, he'd always try to argue, tell me not to go, but that changed. It was little things, like telling me to put on a jacket because it was cold, or packing me little dinners if he knew I hadn't eaten."

John smiled to himself.

"He'd leave me notes too, reminding me to take my vitamins or to drink water- or tell me if we had a super important exam coming up. I saw a lot less of him, but he still found a way to be there..."

He trailed off, staring off in thought as he recalled the days. It killed him back then, knowing Laf tried so hard to help him and was only met with a scoff or glare. But the truth was it meant a lot to know he still cared- no matter how much it hurt. When he snapped back into reality, he felt tears running down the side of his face. 

"He saved my life so many times," he said quietly, trying to hide the shakiness in his voice. "Not just at the river."

Alex frowned, looking at John sadly. He assumed he knew where John was going with it.

"Knowing someone cared, that no matter what I did or became that he was still there for me, it gave me hope, I think. Even just a little. That someone could still love a broken mess like me."

Alex smiled a bit to himself, recognizing the words as something John had said to him once before. His smile soon faded, however.

"Have you two talked about this at all?" He asked. John hung his head shamefully.

"Not a word."

"John-"

"I don't even know what I'd say," John defended. "I wouldn't even know where to start..."

"John," Alex said softly. "You need to talk to him. You can't let this sit in the air forever."

A sudden moment's realization hit John in that moment, which felt like a dagger to his stomach as his eyes welled again with tears.

"I never thanked him..." he whispered. "All this time and I never thanked him."

"Then thank him," Alex put his hand on John's, looking up at him softly. "John, you have no idea how much it'd mean to him."

John looked down with a soft sigh.

"I don't know... I just need time to think it over."

* * *

John groaned miserably, throwing his head dramatically into the back of the couch. The quiet house only filled with the sounds of the TV and John's occasional cursing.

**_Text Laf and see if he has any._ **

****John frowned at his phone.

**_It's fine. I can sleep it off_ **

****Alex, out of town for a business club trip, wasted no time with a response.

**_Don't be a baby._ **

****John went to type a response when his phone chirped again, an all-knowing message from Alex that read

**_And no, you aren't walking to the store this late in the pouring rain._ **

****Right after Alex had left, John was met with a ravaging headache of which became impossible to ignore. In a desperate attempt, he texted his boyfriend asking for medication (who technically wasn't allowed his phone in the conference area) to no avail. He sunk farther into his seat, debating going out anyway. He took out his phone again, grumbling as he typed

**_Wasn't about to._ **

****He tossed his phone onto the table. He knew very well Laf or Herc would have painkillers, but he'd much rather sit in the darkened house and suffer than have to face Laf knowing the talk he's obviously putting off.

And for what?

There was no reason he should be. It would likely improve their relationship, sure, yet he continuously put things off- all the while ignoring his friend. It wasn't on purpose, but the pure stress of it all was beginning to take its toll.

As he mused, there was a light knocking at the front door.

"At one AM?" He said to himself, standing. "Who in the world-?"

He opened the door gingerly, his sneaking suspicions confirmed.

"Special delivery?"

Laf held out a small bag, containing two round pills which John assumed were pain killers. He sighed, stepping aside to let his friend in.

"Alex texted you I'm guessing," he said, nudging the door shut.

"You could have texted me, you know," Laf frowned, setting down the bag. "You know I do not live that far away, yes?"

"Yeah," John said, sitting down on the couch heavily. "I just didn't wanna bug you."

"Bug me? Impossible," Laf chuckled, then glanced bashfully at the couch. "May I?"

"Yes, you can sit down," John laughed. "Say, what are you doing up so late anyway?"

Laf sat down with a sigh.

"I was switched to the early morning shift, so I have to go in around 3."

In light of summer break, Laf picked up an extra job at the local gas station. Though he hardly needed the money, he explained it was a good way to meet people and have some sense of accomplishment that he worked for his own money.

"It perturbs me, why do you not have any medicine here?"

"Well, usually we do but even if we did Alex keeps it locked up-"

Laf frowned, to which John quickly explained.

"He said just to be safe. He has a fair amount of prescriptions that he keeps hidden away."

At first, the notion Alex even suspected John was still a danger to himself upset John greatly. After a long talk, and a few specific examples thrown in, Alex was able to explain that his moments of dissociation could eventually lead to an unknowing overdose. Much like what had happened with him leaning over the ledge at the river.

"Sometimes it's hard to think rationally when you're upset," Alex had explained. "You do things you don't mean because your brain is sent into panic mode, and it'll do anything to get out of it."

Since then John painstakingly agreed to the system, which ended up coming in handy a couple of times- as much as he hated to admit. Laf nodded his head in understanding.

"I see. Well, I hope these do the trick."

John chuckled lightly.

"I'm sure they'll work fine."

The two sat in awkward silence for a moment as John stared uncomfortably at his lap, knowing very well what was about to happen.

"Forgive me for asking but... have you been alright recently?"

That, he had not anticipated.

"What?" John asked, looking up suddenly.

A worried look rested on Laf's face as he pressed his lips together.

"You've just seemed avoidant, that's all," Laf said, trying to laugh. "Sorry- I'm likely being silly but-"

"No," John said quickly, then hastily added following Laf's shocked expression

"I mean, yes, I'm fine- just, no, you aren't being silly."

"Oh... well, that is good."

John sighed, wringing his hands together nervously.

"I'm sorry, Laf, I didn't mean to ignore you these past few days I've just..." he paused. "Been thinking a lot."

"Oh?"

"After you dropped off those photos, it really brought back some memories," he said, trying his best to smile. Laf chuckled lightly.

"Yes, those were quite the days," he smiled fondly. "I had hoped you'd like to see them."

"I did. Believe me, I did. It also had me thinking a lot though."

"About what?"

"About us. Everything that happened, I guess?"

John could already feel the tightness creeping into his chest. Laf remained silent.

"We never really talked about it," he said, mindlessly scratching the surface of the couch- anything to avoid eye contact. "Which was mostly my fault, but I... never knew quite what to say."

"About these past few years, you mean?" Laf asked. "John really, it's alright- everything is in the past."

"I know, but _we aren't,"_ John said quickly, to which he sighed heavily. "You can't deny things are awkward. Things aren't... like they used to be."

He drew his lip between his teeth, trying to conjure anything within him to not cry.

_Stop tiptoeing around it,_ he told himself. _Tell him!_

"I know I hurt you," he blurted. Laf's face fell slightly.

"John-"

"Please, please don't deny it because we both know it's true," John said. "I shut you out, I went against you and for what? Because some twisted part of me thought things would be better that way?"

John laughed humorlessly, shaking his head.

"I never wanted this. I never wanted to hurt you." His voice broke, feeling the emotions begin to well. "You were my best friend and I... I tossed you away like you were nothing to me when you- you were everything to me. You were all I had."

John put a hand to his mouth to stifle the sob that rose from his chest. He looked up at Laf, who was looking at him with an almost unreadable expression.

"Oh, John, you know I would never hold something like that against you."

"Why?" John asked. "After I sent you through hell? Sent you through all that trauma? The nightmares because you-"

"No," Laf said firmly, the sudden change in his voice causing John to jump. "Never apologize for that. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful I was there. I would trade all the nightmares in the world if it meant waking up having you here, than living a moment in the world without you."

That's when the tears spilled over.

John threw his head into his hands, feeling a fit of tears overcome him at the words. He felt Laf shift closer to him, gently rubbing his back as he cried.

"You may apologize for many things," Laf said, his voice cracking. "But please, never apologize for staying alive."

After a few minutes of heavy crying, John managed to pull himself together enough to sit up, ignoring the now throbbing pain in his head.

"That's the thing, Laf- that... that's not the only time you saved my life."

"What do you mean, cher ami?"

"I mean, just by staying. You... you didn't give up on me," John said slowly. "I gave you every reason in the world to get up and walk away and you stayed."

He looked up, meeting Laf's eyes.

"Why did you stay?"

"Because you're my best friend, John," Laf said. "And because I knew that wasn't you. I know how hard you tried to hide it, put up a front. But I could still see the sadness in your eyes."

John looked back down.

"For so long, I thought it had been my fault. That, I hadn't been a good enough friend."

_He... blamed himself?_

_"_ I could see the remorse too," Laf continued. "The way you wouldn't look me in the eyes because you knew I saw right through you. That's when I knew I couldn't give up. And after the river I... I was so scared. That I wouldn't be able to do enough-"

"-You did," John said, laughing through the tears. "God, Laf you did. Had you not stayed, God knows what I would've done."

He wiped his eyes, knowing he was about to confess something he never would have dreamed about before.

"I... had meant to try again," he said quietly. Laf gasped.

"No..."

"I had it all planned out," he said, remembering the day.

It had been only days after the initial attempt that he decided to try again. He knew he didn't want anyone to find him, especially someone he loved- hence why he did it first at the river. Because if anyone were to find him, he wanted it to have been a rescuer or a stranger. He had planned on taking a bottle of the pills the hospital prescribed him somewhere far away from the house, that was... until the night before.

"I remember waking up in the dead of night," John said. "You were next to my bed, holding my wrist. At first, I couldn't understand why but then I realized... you were checking my pulse..."

"You were on the heaviest drugs I'd seen at that point," Laf admitted quietly. "I worried so much that someday you'd go to bed and not wake up. Your heartbeat was so weak."

"Those drugs should've killed me," John said, trying not to cry at Laf's words. "I gave up trying to moderate them at that point. But after that I... I knew if it did how much it'd hurt you."

"And it wasn't even just that," he continued. "All those small things you did."

"Small things?"

"Like telling me if it was cold or rainy before I went out, the notes, the small reminders like 'don't forget to take your vitamins' or 'drink some water'. I know you didn't think much of them but," John bit his lip. "They meant so much to me, Laf."

"I never knew you noticed," Laf smiled. John nodded.

"So much. It all did, actually. So I guess what I really wanted to say was... thank you."

John wiped the tears off his face.

"Just... for everything. I owe you so much, and- and I don't know how I could ever repay you-"

"Oh, John," Laf said, pulling John into a hug. "You already have."

"I missed you so much," John whispered, burying his head into Laf's shoulder.

"I missed you too."

John could tell by the tone of Laf's voice that he was crying as well- something he didn't do often.

"I'm sorry all this happened, Laf, I really am."

"Nonsense," John could feel Laf shaking. "You've always been forgiven."

John hadn't realized until that point how long it had been since they hugged. Laf had always given the best hugs, the kind you could melt into, and stay in for the rest of your days and not worry about anything. They stayed like that for quite some time, crying. When they did, pull away, however, Laf wore a bright smile.

"This talk is something I needed for a long time," he said. "I am glad we had it."

"Me too," John laughed, faltering as he glanced at the clock. "Two-thirty already..."

"Is it really?" Laf checked his watch. "Mon Dieu- time flies. Well, I guess this is goodnight, yes?"

"I guess so," John said, half-smiling.

"Sometime when I am off we will find something to do," Laf said, standing. "I am thinking shopping- you are due for some new clothes-"

"Laf you are _not_ buying me a bunch of clothes."

Laf, having come from a wealthy family, was inadvertently careless with funds from time to time. Naturally, one of his most common forms of affection was spending money on people. John, on the other hand, always had felt guilty when Laf bought him things, and persistently attempted to deny him spending any money on him.

"John, it would mean the world if you let me. And you cannot steal Alexander's clothes forever, hm?"

John looked down sheepishly, knowing he indeed wore Alex's college hoodie.

"Plus, it will give us time to catch up. So what do you say?"

"Fine, fine," John laughed. "Under one condition."

"Yes?"

"I get to pick out the clothes."

"I'll lightly consider it," Laf smiled.

He bent down, placing a small peck on John's cheek. A common, completely platonic way of him saying hello or goodbye.

"Get some rest, cher ami. And please, do not forget to take your medicine."

"Will do," John chuckled.

Once they said their goodnights, Laf left for work while John took his medicine. He laid down soon after, waiting for it to kick in when he heard his phone chirp next to him.

**_Get any medicine? :)_ **

****John chuckled. He knew Alex had known exactly what he was doing.

**_Yes. And me and Laf talked, but I bet you knew that_ **

******_Mighta... Also, it's almost three, go to sleep!_ **

******_In bed rn :P_ **

******_Good. I'll see you in the morning then. Sleep well, I love you <3_ **

****John smiled to himself, typing out his last text before falling asleep.

**_I love you more. And thank you for texting him to bring the medicine. See you tomorrow <3 <3 <3_ **

****John had been asleep, completely unaware when his phone chirped again.

**_To bring the medicine? Huh. I only told him you weren't feeling well._ **

**Author's Note:**

> Well! This ended up being fairly shorter than I expected! I should be doing these sort of frequently since Oneshots are pretty easy to write as long as I keep it relatively short. I hope this makes enough sense, I gather there's not much hope for those who don't know the actual components of the AU, so I gave up trying to add in everything lol. Did we really expect John to keep it up forever? He did very well though, so we applaud him.


End file.
